The Mad Scorpion

7.

Hello again.
Well, what should be 9 has instead become 7, as I’ve been… not so much slack, as… otherwise engaged for the last couple of weeks.
The Mad Scorpion had a short sharp lesson in

DEATH:
The ultimate in goodbyes. The only sure thing we know is going to happen to every single one of us.
Every day it happens to someone, and every day a new family and network of friends is washed in the ripple-effect.
Just think about that for a moment.
Every day, someone is consumed by death grief.
Never mind the circumstances of said death, which inevitably vary for everyone.
The circumstances of my friend’s death were particularly grim... A drug overdose that leaves others to find and clean up and be traumatised by the mess. Not the first in my life either, but here’s hoping the last.
But there was something oddly… calming? comforting? about the fact that we all knew what path our friend had chosen. In some cases, there’s only one way things can end.
We also knew that he was cheating death on an entirely different level by suffering all of his life from Cystic Fibrosis. On the one hand, his conclusion was inevitable. On the other, he was totally beating the odds anyway and going out in style with a bang. Albeit slowly and over years.
Which I guess leads me to my next subject:

THE AFTERLIFE:
I don’t know if I believe in a god. Not THE God, anyway. If an old man with a white beard whose face you can never really see is waiting to greet me, sitting on a throne scolding and judging me before pulling the lever and opening the trap-door to hell is all that’s out there… I’ll be seriously disappointed.

I don’t even believe that there’s one heaven and one hell.
It can’t be that simple.

What I believe –

and brace yourselves because I’m about to get seriously hippy on it, no matter how hard I try to avoid it –

is that when you die, you just join the Universal Energy.
Everything is energy, and energy is Everything. It’s just in different forms.
Think about the smallest speck of dust and then zoom out to your house, your town, your country, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, then out and out and out past that until everything out there becomes as tiny as the smallest speck of dust… It’s all Energy, and everything’s connected. Whether it’s in a living being or not.

You’re still you, but if you were a seriously unhappy soul with a shit life who hated everything and everything bad happened to you and woe is me, then that’s what kind of energy you’ll be afterwards.
But if you were slightly more than this in your core, if you even have the capacity to be halfway happy, (let alone kind, loving and empathetic) then you’ll still be that, only free of a body. And joined by anyone and everyone you ever loved who’s been released from their bodies.
And you can still see Us in the living. And you still love us, and talk to us. You live through us. You stay alive in us.
But I’m kind of digressing.
I’m using some simple and childish terms here but I can’t think of any other way to describe it, so it will have to do.

Guardian Energy as part of the whole Universal Engery.

That’s where my dead whanau and friends go.
When I’m down, or feeling scared, or even want the weather to clear up for a good reason, I literally do a roll call in my head and ask for help from the appropriate spirit. Or even the whole Universe if the occasion calls for it.
But I swear to “god”… I don’t think it’s failed me yet.
Well… none of them have helped me win lotto yet but let’s not go there.
I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in The Power of Love.
…sick yet?

MORTALITY:
I’ve been hearing more and more people from my parents generation saying “I’m getting’ old!”
And the scary thing is, it’s true. People I never regarded as being old are now not far off being… *shudder*… Elderly.
Which begs the question… Euthanasia – Yay or Nay?
I’m a believer in Yay.
And I’m talking a huge distinction between Euthanasia and Suicide.
If you have a really really REALLY good reason, and carving your own end date out gives you a dignity and relief you would otherwise be denied… then who is anyone else to object?
After all, if it was a decision you were making about your life, as opposed to your death, no-one would object. Or they might for a while but once they realised you were determined, or were making the same decision over and over again and just weren’t listening, they’d throw their arms up and be done with you or simply say something along the lines of “Well… it’s their life, we can’t do anything about it”, or better yet “They made their bed, now they can lie in it”.
And most on the receiving end of those lines would be fine with it. In fact, they’d be pleased.
Getting the drift?
Go Yay.

THROAT CANCER:
I hope I haven’t got it.
I fuckin smoked myself silly over the last few weeks. Feelin a bit raw in there.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION:
I decided something the other day as I lay in bed pondering my life.
I moved from my last location to get away from… well, let’s just say –

and I’m being unusually open here… this comes from the

deepest

darkest

recesses of

The Mad Scorpion’s soul –

I wanted deeply a relationship that was never, and IS NEVER, going to happen.
After they dumped me, know what I did?
I proceeded to fuck anyone and everyone that they had ever been with, or wanted to be with, or looked at, or were friends with… I turned my Slut on HARD.
“Maybe the jealousy will drive them back!” I blondely thought.
WOW. What. A dick.
My next decision, to become a version of myself so great that they’d inevitably realise what they were missing out on and come to their senses... Didn’t work either.
My next step, I thought, was to just try even harder to be an even bigger and better version of me. Get a career, become a great writer, who’s so famous and so rich that they will FINALLY realise what they are missing etceteraaaaaaabla bla.
But there are two pitfalls to that idea.

1. I’m not getting any younger or thinner, and
2. I have concluded that that is PaTHETic.
And thank god I am Not.
If I’m going to do that, it’s for myself because A. See Above, re: Not Pathetic, and B. See Above,
re: NEVER going to happen.
I finally swam out of my drunken hurt and realised I needed to seriously snap out of it.

Of course while all this went on, we became FRRRRRRRRIEEEEEEEEEENDS.
NO-ONE who knew me before this person came along could understand what I saw in them, or why I was such a loyal friend to them. Let’s face it, they still don’t - this person was pretty arseholey to me at times. Apart from the obvious reason, of course.
Which is that I am still in love with them.
Which is odd, because even if I had a renewed chance with them, I’m not entirely sure I’d take it.
Too much has gone on, water, bridges, etc.
What’s worse, is that this particular person has quite a few ex’s who are still obsessed with them.
And I’m talking photos of them, and enlarged photos of their various body parts – one in particular – Oh, ok, a giant photo of their cock – next to their bed.
I’m talking large gold framed pictures of them together on the wall in front of their bed so it’s the first thing they see when they wake.
I’m talking their artwork all over their bedroom and lounge.
I’m talking about keeping a bag of “Things That They’ve Ever Touched.” Like bus tickets. Or theatre programs. Or condom wrappers.
I’m talking OBSESSED.
Thankfully, they are my Craziness Benchmark. I at least have that to remind me that I will never get that bad.

It’s the idea of What Could Be that haunts me. I guess. I’m not sure what it is that connects me so, and enduringly.
This is not blind love, that’s for sure.


And so, after years of pining and a heart that had not changed its mind, I decided to move.
To be fair, a large chunk of my closest and bestest friends also flew the coop within months of each other, which made the decision a lot easier. But I decided to throw away whatever life I’d created and get the fuck out of there to clear my head.
And another year passed. And we still remained friends. Best friends even.
…And nothing has changed.
I don’t even see anyone else that rattles my bones.
I understand and accept the need that I need to be free of this soul-ball-and-chain for my own good.

But how do you tell someone who's your best friend and done nothing wrong and everything's "fine" to Fuck Off and get out of your life for good???

You can't really.

Which leads me to my next idea…

I am going to move

To the opposite side

of the PLANET.

I haven’t exactly worked out where that is yet (I’ll get on google earth later) but… I reckon that’s my place.
It’s an extreme and dramatic decision…
which is exactly why it’s Perfect for me.
I have spun my imaginary globe and landed on the X.
…Which Google Earth tells me is…
*drum roll please…*

MADRID, SPAIN!!!

Perrrrrrrrrfect.

And don’t get bitchy on me. We all know the heart and the mind follow you wherever you go.
We all know it’s my mind that needs to escape.
But maybe this will be easier to do in Spain!
Fingers crossed.


….eh. Who am I kidding.

Fuck you all.

Please turn on your magic beam,
Mr. Sandman, stop making me scream.