11.
.
KIDS AND WAYS THEY MAKE ME LAUGH:
.
We’’ll call him… Fack. For Identity purposes. Fack is a cracker. At 3 years old, he’s the kid who’ll do exactly what he’s not supposed to just to see what kind of punishment he’ll get.
For example, if he’s really playing up and his parents start counting “1…”, he’ll respond with “2, 3, MACK!” and stick his butt out. He’s also started to pick up “a few choice words”. Me and his mother once saw him drop something and then say “For fucks sake”. His mother looked at me and said “Damn, I can’t blame that on anyone!” – that’s exactly what she says all the time.
.
Or… we’ll call her Maddi. Asking her Dad to put on her favourite CD whilst in the car with Grandma, and being informed the CD she was trying to put on wasn’t the one she wanted. “Bullshit.”
.
Or the time I tried to trick… we’ll call her Miolet. I hadn’t seen her since she was a toddler. Now school age, she asked if we could go and see *insert name of any painful kids movie*, pointing to the picture in the paper. “Oh, sorry honey, that’s not on today.” I lied. She looked at me confusedly and said “Yes it is, see? It says here, on at this time, and this time, and this time...”, then looked at me quite concerned and said “Can’t you read?” “Yes,” I confessed, “I just didn’t think you could.” Which made sense, seeing as she was now about 8…
.
Or Maleb, who spins imaginary decks whilst dancing to Michael Jackson when he thinks no-one is watching him. Not that he stops when he realises we are.
.
Apparently, so my mother tells me, as a toddler I used to “store” food in my mouth – usually Weet-Bix – long after the actual meal. One day I was in a clothing store with her and sneezed…
.
MYSTERY MUSICIAN WHO TRIED TO FORCE HIMSELF ON 16 YEAR OLD GIRL IN ALLEYWAY:
Reluctant apologies go to Dane Rumble… Siiiiiiiigh… Sorry Dane. I have discovered the actual identity of the suspect.
Drumroll please…
And the winner for Best Rape Attempt By A New Zealand Musician Recently goes to….
DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM…
P MONEY!!!
What a dick.
Mental note: Avoid P Money like he’s Chris Brown. Or Dane Rumble.
.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ‘DAYS OF OUR LIVES’???
My favourite guilty pleasure has disappeared from the afternoon airwaves. UGH. Better be back after Christmas.
.
ABORTION:
Is illegal in Ireland. Did you know this? I didn’t. Three women are in the high court of Ireland trying to get this law changed at the moment. I’m all about pro-choice, on just about every aspect of life, so… good luck to them.
.
KATY BRAND’S BIG ASS SHOW:
I like it a lot.
Have a look on Youtube for her pisstake on The Sugababes... Classic.
“And now there’s a new Bitch to get used to,
Some other slag with an attitude…”
.
NEW RIDE AT RAINBOWS END:
WOW, now that really is breaking news… Now Rainbows End will take 50 minutes to get through instead of 45…
.
PIPPA WETZELL FROM ‘BREAKFAST’:
For some reason, she annoys me even more than Paul Henry. I mean, Paul Henry’s just Paul Henry, not going anywhere, never gonna change. But Pippa is a total wet blanket Auckland snoot. Hate.
.
STEVE GRAY FROM ‘GOOD MORNING’ HAS BEEN “LET GO”:
Which is the polite way of saying “TVNZ is not going to renew your contract for next year, so get your big gay ass out of here bitch.” Now, I personally think that sucks. Steve is a much needed element of ‘Good Morning’. Otherwise, it will turn into a show much like, oh, I don’t know… ‘Breakfast’. Mind you, Sarah is a lot more accessible than Pippa. Ugh. BAD MOVE TVNZ.
.
CELEBRITY SPOTTING:
Normally, I try not to look twice when I see Celebrities. But I have to say, seeing George from ‘Seinfeld’ walking up Cuba St would probably have stopped me in my tracks.
Me and my friend once saw Keiran from 'Shortland Street' outside Felix Café. This was shortly after he began on the show, and a big deal was being made out of his shift from Coro to Shorty. We gave him a scowl and carried on walking, hehe. You’re in New Zealand now, bitch. Where we ignore our celebrities… mostly.
Funny case of Starstruck Slapper: Years ago in Dunedin, my good friend and flatmate let some of her mates crash on the couch while they were in town for the weekend. As it happened, they were from the band Rubicon and were in town for Orientation.
.
KIDS AND WAYS THEY MAKE ME LAUGH:
.
We’’ll call him… Fack. For Identity purposes. Fack is a cracker. At 3 years old, he’s the kid who’ll do exactly what he’s not supposed to just to see what kind of punishment he’ll get.
For example, if he’s really playing up and his parents start counting “1…”, he’ll respond with “2, 3, MACK!” and stick his butt out. He’s also started to pick up “a few choice words”. Me and his mother once saw him drop something and then say “For fucks sake”. His mother looked at me and said “Damn, I can’t blame that on anyone!” – that’s exactly what she says all the time.
.
Or… we’ll call her Maddi. Asking her Dad to put on her favourite CD whilst in the car with Grandma, and being informed the CD she was trying to put on wasn’t the one she wanted. “Bullshit.”
.
Or the time I tried to trick… we’ll call her Miolet. I hadn’t seen her since she was a toddler. Now school age, she asked if we could go and see *insert name of any painful kids movie*, pointing to the picture in the paper. “Oh, sorry honey, that’s not on today.” I lied. She looked at me confusedly and said “Yes it is, see? It says here, on at this time, and this time, and this time...”, then looked at me quite concerned and said “Can’t you read?” “Yes,” I confessed, “I just didn’t think you could.” Which made sense, seeing as she was now about 8…
.
Or Maleb, who spins imaginary decks whilst dancing to Michael Jackson when he thinks no-one is watching him. Not that he stops when he realises we are.
.
Apparently, so my mother tells me, as a toddler I used to “store” food in my mouth – usually Weet-Bix – long after the actual meal. One day I was in a clothing store with her and sneezed…
.
MYSTERY MUSICIAN WHO TRIED TO FORCE HIMSELF ON 16 YEAR OLD GIRL IN ALLEYWAY:
Reluctant apologies go to Dane Rumble… Siiiiiiiigh… Sorry Dane. I have discovered the actual identity of the suspect.
Drumroll please…
And the winner for Best Rape Attempt By A New Zealand Musician Recently goes to….
DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM…
P MONEY!!!
What a dick.
Mental note: Avoid P Money like he’s Chris Brown. Or Dane Rumble.
.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ‘DAYS OF OUR LIVES’???
My favourite guilty pleasure has disappeared from the afternoon airwaves. UGH. Better be back after Christmas.
.
ABORTION:
Is illegal in Ireland. Did you know this? I didn’t. Three women are in the high court of Ireland trying to get this law changed at the moment. I’m all about pro-choice, on just about every aspect of life, so… good luck to them.
.
KATY BRAND’S BIG ASS SHOW:
I like it a lot.
Have a look on Youtube for her pisstake on The Sugababes... Classic.
“And now there’s a new Bitch to get used to,
Some other slag with an attitude…”
.
NEW RIDE AT RAINBOWS END:
WOW, now that really is breaking news… Now Rainbows End will take 50 minutes to get through instead of 45…
.
PIPPA WETZELL FROM ‘BREAKFAST’:
For some reason, she annoys me even more than Paul Henry. I mean, Paul Henry’s just Paul Henry, not going anywhere, never gonna change. But Pippa is a total wet blanket Auckland snoot. Hate.
.
STEVE GRAY FROM ‘GOOD MORNING’ HAS BEEN “LET GO”:
Which is the polite way of saying “TVNZ is not going to renew your contract for next year, so get your big gay ass out of here bitch.” Now, I personally think that sucks. Steve is a much needed element of ‘Good Morning’. Otherwise, it will turn into a show much like, oh, I don’t know… ‘Breakfast’. Mind you, Sarah is a lot more accessible than Pippa. Ugh. BAD MOVE TVNZ.
.
CELEBRITY SPOTTING:
Normally, I try not to look twice when I see Celebrities. But I have to say, seeing George from ‘Seinfeld’ walking up Cuba St would probably have stopped me in my tracks.
Me and my friend once saw Keiran from 'Shortland Street' outside Felix Café. This was shortly after he began on the show, and a big deal was being made out of his shift from Coro to Shorty. We gave him a scowl and carried on walking, hehe. You’re in New Zealand now, bitch. Where we ignore our celebrities… mostly.
Funny case of Starstruck Slapper: Years ago in Dunedin, my good friend and flatmate let some of her mates crash on the couch while they were in town for the weekend. As it happened, they were from the band Rubicon and were in town for Orientation.
Now, let me just get something clear – Rubicon were a bit of a joke to us. You know, Marshall from Shortland Street’s band? Who would call a kid Bruce anyway? UGH. Not I or any of our friends were into them, but hey, whatever. Everyone’s different. Later that night, I’m out with my mates and a girl from my theatre class comes running over to me.
“Hi! Oh my god, you’ll NEVER believe who I’m hanging out at the bar with!”
I laughed, and kind of shrugged, hoping I gave the impression that I didn’t care much.
“The guys from Rubicon and Tadpole!!!” she flapped, her face alight with Celebrity Syndrome.
I had to not choke on my drink and just kind of said “Oh! Wicked!” I held back from saying “Rubicon’s sleeping on my couch” for fear that she might follow us home. Plus, I didn’t want to appear to know them. Which technically, thankfully, I didn’t.
The best, and still one of the most surreal moments of my life, celebrity run-in I ever had happened early one Sunday morning in Wellington. I had just opened up shop, done my morning grind, and went outside onto Manners Street for a cigarette. It was still relatively early and there was barely anyone else around, so when I realised that the lone man walking past the shop, past me, was Sam Neil, I was stunned.
“Sam Neil?!?!” I blurted loudly.
He turned and said “Yes.”
And here, I must admit, I had a spurt of starstruck babble. But I think Sam Neil probably warrants it.
“Wow, I really like your work Mr. Neil, and I especially love ‘Event Horizon’, that’s, like, one of the scariest movies ever”, is what came pouring out of my mouth before I could even think about it.
“Thank you”, he said.
“Have a nice day!” I said cheerily, and he smiled and carried on walking down the street. And I was left to stand in shock, looking around to see if anyone else had just seen that encounter. Which, of course, they hadn’t…
Thankfully, I won’t have to deal with the dilemma of How To Deal With Celebrities much longer, as most of my friends, and a few enemies, are rapidly becoming the genius’s, or flukey pratts, they always were in their field. I have seen more people I know in the paper than not recently! All articles documenting their success too, which is fantastic, and makes me wonder if I should start scrapbooking… Or would that just make me weird… Yeah right, like scrapbooking would make me weird…
.
LADY GAGA COMING TO NEW ZEALAND:
I’m going to have to go to this. I usually reserve going to major acts for Music Icons only – like Snoop Dogg, or Kraftwerk, or The B-52s. And even though she’s only been around for a few years, I think this girl’s here to stay. So, I’m gonna go and see her early incase this is her one and only big show here.
.
MADONNA’S A FUCKING BITCH FOR NEVER HAVING COME HERE:
FUCKING Bitch. Now hurry up and put out another album. And it better be better than your last one, Bitch.
.
MUSE:
Loving them! More please!
.
TIGER WOODS:
Oh my god… SHUT. UP. I’ve never been so dis-interested in a celebrity’s life. For a start, the guy plays Golf. No offence to my golf loving friends. Even I’m partial to a game every now and then, as long playing something that slow involves a copious amount of drinking. And I can’t deny the guy’s talent. But golf is a Sport, ergo UGH. But talent comes in many masks… anyway, what was I saying?
Oh right. The overload of Tiger news. Who cares if the guy had affairs?? He’s an AMERICAN SPORTS IDOL… Isn’t that kind of part and parcel when it comes to them?? And if there were that many – we’re up to 9 – you can’t tell me that she didn’t know. Like she has another life or anything. Apparently, according to the front page of the paper (UGH!), his public approval rating (? – who or what the hell measures that???) has slumped by 24%. Er… Okaaaaay, if you say so…
I think anyone who cheats on their wife is a bit scum – and I mean, have you seen his wife??? Wow… what a dog… cough cough – but personally I’m quite happy to see that he’s human after all. My public approval rating has probably gone Up 24% if anything.
.
I STILL HAVEN’T BOUGHT A SINGLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT:
I’m more focused on my own personal Christmas – The B-52s concert this weekend. Which will undoubtedly be selling drinks at heinously ridiculous prices, and when you’re going to be spending about 8 hours there, you need to be prepared for the long day ahead. And oh, am I prepared.
Today I will be shopping for glitter wigs, party poppers, and large Tupperware bowls in which to put fruit salad. Which all basically means that my family’s presents can just wait until I’m done partying.
.
NEXT WEEK: I imagine mine and Jared from Moon Over Martinborough’s blogs are going to be wholly similar in subject… Expect an entire page dedicated to my B-52s day. WOO HOO!!!
“Hi! Oh my god, you’ll NEVER believe who I’m hanging out at the bar with!”
I laughed, and kind of shrugged, hoping I gave the impression that I didn’t care much.
“The guys from Rubicon and Tadpole!!!” she flapped, her face alight with Celebrity Syndrome.
I had to not choke on my drink and just kind of said “Oh! Wicked!” I held back from saying “Rubicon’s sleeping on my couch” for fear that she might follow us home. Plus, I didn’t want to appear to know them. Which technically, thankfully, I didn’t.
The best, and still one of the most surreal moments of my life, celebrity run-in I ever had happened early one Sunday morning in Wellington. I had just opened up shop, done my morning grind, and went outside onto Manners Street for a cigarette. It was still relatively early and there was barely anyone else around, so when I realised that the lone man walking past the shop, past me, was Sam Neil, I was stunned.
“Sam Neil?!?!” I blurted loudly.
He turned and said “Yes.”
And here, I must admit, I had a spurt of starstruck babble. But I think Sam Neil probably warrants it.
“Wow, I really like your work Mr. Neil, and I especially love ‘Event Horizon’, that’s, like, one of the scariest movies ever”, is what came pouring out of my mouth before I could even think about it.
“Thank you”, he said.
“Have a nice day!” I said cheerily, and he smiled and carried on walking down the street. And I was left to stand in shock, looking around to see if anyone else had just seen that encounter. Which, of course, they hadn’t…
Thankfully, I won’t have to deal with the dilemma of How To Deal With Celebrities much longer, as most of my friends, and a few enemies, are rapidly becoming the genius’s, or flukey pratts, they always were in their field. I have seen more people I know in the paper than not recently! All articles documenting their success too, which is fantastic, and makes me wonder if I should start scrapbooking… Or would that just make me weird… Yeah right, like scrapbooking would make me weird…
.
LADY GAGA COMING TO NEW ZEALAND:
I’m going to have to go to this. I usually reserve going to major acts for Music Icons only – like Snoop Dogg, or Kraftwerk, or The B-52s. And even though she’s only been around for a few years, I think this girl’s here to stay. So, I’m gonna go and see her early incase this is her one and only big show here.
.
MADONNA’S A FUCKING BITCH FOR NEVER HAVING COME HERE:
FUCKING Bitch. Now hurry up and put out another album. And it better be better than your last one, Bitch.
.
MUSE:
Loving them! More please!
.
TIGER WOODS:
Oh my god… SHUT. UP. I’ve never been so dis-interested in a celebrity’s life. For a start, the guy plays Golf. No offence to my golf loving friends. Even I’m partial to a game every now and then, as long playing something that slow involves a copious amount of drinking. And I can’t deny the guy’s talent. But golf is a Sport, ergo UGH. But talent comes in many masks… anyway, what was I saying?
Oh right. The overload of Tiger news. Who cares if the guy had affairs?? He’s an AMERICAN SPORTS IDOL… Isn’t that kind of part and parcel when it comes to them?? And if there were that many – we’re up to 9 – you can’t tell me that she didn’t know. Like she has another life or anything. Apparently, according to the front page of the paper (UGH!), his public approval rating (? – who or what the hell measures that???) has slumped by 24%. Er… Okaaaaay, if you say so…
I think anyone who cheats on their wife is a bit scum – and I mean, have you seen his wife??? Wow… what a dog… cough cough – but personally I’m quite happy to see that he’s human after all. My public approval rating has probably gone Up 24% if anything.
.
I STILL HAVEN’T BOUGHT A SINGLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT:
I’m more focused on my own personal Christmas – The B-52s concert this weekend. Which will undoubtedly be selling drinks at heinously ridiculous prices, and when you’re going to be spending about 8 hours there, you need to be prepared for the long day ahead. And oh, am I prepared.
Today I will be shopping for glitter wigs, party poppers, and large Tupperware bowls in which to put fruit salad. Which all basically means that my family’s presents can just wait until I’m done partying.
.
NEXT WEEK: I imagine mine and Jared from Moon Over Martinborough’s blogs are going to be wholly similar in subject… Expect an entire page dedicated to my B-52s day. WOO HOO!!!
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