1.
Welcome to The Mad Scorpion.
Like it says on the label, My Opinion is the Ultimate Opinion On Everything Under The Sun, and My Opinion is The Only One That Matters.
I’ll be bringing you my delightfully offbeat rants on anything my pretty little heart desires, and occasionally, I’ll be taking requests. Sometimes I’ll be praising, sometimes I’ll be bitching. Sometimes I’ll be talking out my arse. But thou dost vow to always be entertaining.
For my first trick, I’ve decided to tackle some of the biggies – after all (and my first wedge of wisdom – I guess I’m officially on the clock), when it’s hard to know where to begin, one should always jump in at the deep end…
Welcome to The Mad Scorpion.
Like it says on the label, My Opinion is the Ultimate Opinion On Everything Under The Sun, and My Opinion is The Only One That Matters.
I’ll be bringing you my delightfully offbeat rants on anything my pretty little heart desires, and occasionally, I’ll be taking requests. Sometimes I’ll be praising, sometimes I’ll be bitching. Sometimes I’ll be talking out my arse. But thou dost vow to always be entertaining.
For my first trick, I’ve decided to tackle some of the biggies – after all (and my first wedge of wisdom – I guess I’m officially on the clock), when it’s hard to know where to begin, one should always jump in at the deep end…
HUMANITY:
I was at the town library this morning. My town library is tiny, but cosy, and able to order in books from just about anywhere, as well as hiding some books on its shelves that you’d be hard pressed to find anywhere else.
It isn’t much, but I’ve been going there since I could read.
As much as I can’t stand the uppity, self-important-slash-extremely-insecure librarians, who wield their decimal powers like aristocrats whipping black slaves (and you just Know they are being Shat on at home), or the lack of seating, or the way everyone who walks into the library seems to think They are more entitled to your seat than You are (myself included), or the fact that it’s more of a hybrid kindergarten/after-school-program/youth-centre/special-needs-clinic/retirement-lounge/psych-unit/general-community-hangout than a library, where the plaque that used to say ‘Quiet’ has long since been danced into the carpet by teen krumpers and covered in baby spew and elderly drool… Wait, what was I saying?
Oh yeah, my library Sucks, but it’s My Library so I'm the only one allowed to say it, and that actually isn’t my point.
A guy walks in and goes up to the counter. He proceeds to tell the librarian that “you guys obviously don’t have a huge selection of books, although you do seem to have quite a few spiritchool ones”. He said this intentionally as a put down (and I had to smile to myself as the librarian sourly answered “So what exactly is your question?”, and laugh as the guy simultaneously showed off his obvious need for some spiritchooality),
and I just thought to myself ‘What’s the point?’
What’s the Fucking Point of saying something if all it’s designed to do is make yourself feel better by putting something or someone else down?
Uncle Scorpion says:
Take a deep breath before you speak, and take your Fuckin’ Foulness and keep it plugged up your arse where it belongs.
Or better yet, write a blog!!!
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LOVE:
The Mad Scorpion wants your opinions on this one.
Love is one of life’s greatest pleasures slash most disgusting ailments, and I want your answer to this question:
How do you, yourself, personally, know when you are in love?
What are your signs, what are your symptoms?
Do you smile on seeing your sweety, or choke on sighting your crush?
I’ll be sharing all of your embarrassing answers with only my close, personal readers.
The subject of Love is quite big. Expect it to be making regular appearances…
The Mad Scorpion thinks he has been in love twice, at best.
The first with a woman, the second with a man. Dun Dun DUUNNNNNN.
Does this mean he’s gay? Will he be in time to save the damsel in distress?
And here’s another question: Who cares?
Sex to me is mostly about, as Grandpa West would put it, getting my end away.
I’ve said it before and it even seems to have become my mantra, but quite frankly, for Me, every hole’s a goal. But as for this incessant need people to seem to have about placing you in a nice little labelled box so that They can understand you…
Well here’s what I have to say to that:
You Don’t Need To Understand Me. You Have No Business Even Trying.
I suggest everybody take a lot more interest in trying to work at and better themselves before they start worrying about others. Besides, you’ll only hurt your little brains trying. If I haven’t worked me out, what makes you think You have a shit show.
When people ask me “Are you gay?”, I just smile and say “Well that depends if I’m fucking a guy or not.” The looks on people’s faces when I say that are usually pretty priceless. But I digress.
I mention sexuality as I segue from sex to love. I’ll fuck anything (and have… I’ve been everywhere from the hottest of 18 year olds of both sexes, threesomes with every order of male to female proportion, to dishing out pity fucks to the troggiest of all beings – an obese pre-op transsexual… *shudder*), but when it comes to love… for me, it’s all about personality. At least, it has been in the past.
Now, as I grow older, and start to fantasise about – god help me – procreating, I wonder if that means I must commit myself to one sex only. That sex being female.
Of course, there is the gay marriage-adoption option, but that is a big step.
And a firm placement of myself on one side of the fence. Perhaps This is my biggest pobia… My inability to commit to a gender when it comes to a lasting union that might create children…
How do you, yourself, personally, know when you are in love?
What are your signs, what are your symptoms?
Do you smile on seeing your sweety, or choke on sighting your crush?
I’ll be sharing all of your embarrassing answers with only my close, personal readers.
The subject of Love is quite big. Expect it to be making regular appearances…
The Mad Scorpion thinks he has been in love twice, at best.
The first with a woman, the second with a man. Dun Dun DUUNNNNNN.
Does this mean he’s gay? Will he be in time to save the damsel in distress?
And here’s another question: Who cares?
Sex to me is mostly about, as Grandpa West would put it, getting my end away.
I’ve said it before and it even seems to have become my mantra, but quite frankly, for Me, every hole’s a goal. But as for this incessant need people to seem to have about placing you in a nice little labelled box so that They can understand you…
Well here’s what I have to say to that:
You Don’t Need To Understand Me. You Have No Business Even Trying.
I suggest everybody take a lot more interest in trying to work at and better themselves before they start worrying about others. Besides, you’ll only hurt your little brains trying. If I haven’t worked me out, what makes you think You have a shit show.
When people ask me “Are you gay?”, I just smile and say “Well that depends if I’m fucking a guy or not.” The looks on people’s faces when I say that are usually pretty priceless. But I digress.
I mention sexuality as I segue from sex to love. I’ll fuck anything (and have… I’ve been everywhere from the hottest of 18 year olds of both sexes, threesomes with every order of male to female proportion, to dishing out pity fucks to the troggiest of all beings – an obese pre-op transsexual… *shudder*), but when it comes to love… for me, it’s all about personality. At least, it has been in the past.
Now, as I grow older, and start to fantasise about – god help me – procreating, I wonder if that means I must commit myself to one sex only. That sex being female.
Of course, there is the gay marriage-adoption option, but that is a big step.
And a firm placement of myself on one side of the fence. Perhaps This is my biggest pobia… My inability to commit to a gender when it comes to a lasting union that might create children…
I knew I was in love with my girlfriend when she said she wanted to end it and I realised I’d care if she did, and I knew I was in love with a man when I was still caring long after the fact. But these are both moot to my point.
I never had a moment (before I was forced into thinking about it by circumstance) when overwhelming emotions swelled through me and the world got all shiny and new and I thought to myself ‘God I love *INSERT NAME HERE*’.
And this is what The Mad Scorpion wants to know.
Are those moments of Mad Love a myth? Or does that shit actually exist.
Give me Your views. The lines will be open all morning.
Maybe all of this will help me decide who or what I should fuck or love next.
The Mad Scorpion has only one true love anyway…
Maybe all of this will help me decide who or what I should fuck or love next.
The Mad Scorpion has only one true love anyway…
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MUSIC:
New and GOOD New Zealand Music has been spewing out into the atmosphere at quite an alarming rate lately. Even if stuff’s not quite my cup of tea (here’s lookin’ at you, Lisa Crawley), it’s still a far cry from the worst cup of sick on the market (I’ll give you Black Eyed, Peases Of Shit).
Rightly so, the VNZMA nominations were stuffed to the hilt with an abundance of new talent, and The Mad Scorpion would like to acknowledge the swelling of National Pride in his chest…
Fuckin’ rock it, Mutha Fuckas!!! The last year has been Excellent and Exceptional, and I put my dancing shoes on to ya whilst taking my hat off.
All Hail The New Rulers of New Zealand Music:
Antiform
J Williams
Kidz In Space
Kids of ‘88
Gin
New and GOOD New Zealand Music has been spewing out into the atmosphere at quite an alarming rate lately. Even if stuff’s not quite my cup of tea (here’s lookin’ at you, Lisa Crawley), it’s still a far cry from the worst cup of sick on the market (I’ll give you Black Eyed, Peases Of Shit).
Rightly so, the VNZMA nominations were stuffed to the hilt with an abundance of new talent, and The Mad Scorpion would like to acknowledge the swelling of National Pride in his chest…
Fuckin’ rock it, Mutha Fuckas!!! The last year has been Excellent and Exceptional, and I put my dancing shoes on to ya whilst taking my hat off.
All Hail The New Rulers of New Zealand Music:
Antiform
J Williams
Kidz In Space
Kids of ‘88
Gin
Ladyhawke
Smashproof
Nesian Mystik
David Dallas
and Ladi 6.
Dear Tiki Tane (and, to a lesser extent, Dane Rumble), I hope you get raped behind the bike sheds with all the trophies these guys are gonna win this year. You suck. HARD.
THE MTV MUSIC VIDEO AWARDS:
Ok, so I may as well tell you all. Don’t hate me… but here it is. My biggest secret.
I love Madonna. She’s, like, my idol. Yes, even now, when she’s all sinewy and jagged.
And I’ve just been gobsmacked by her opening speech at the MTV Video Awards. There are three things that are OH MY GOD about this:
Smashproof
Nesian Mystik
David Dallas
and Ladi 6.
Dear Tiki Tane (and, to a lesser extent, Dane Rumble), I hope you get raped behind the bike sheds with all the trophies these guys are gonna win this year. You suck. HARD.
THE MTV MUSIC VIDEO AWARDS:
Ok, so I may as well tell you all. Don’t hate me… but here it is. My biggest secret.
I love Madonna. She’s, like, my idol. Yes, even now, when she’s all sinewy and jagged.
And I’ve just been gobsmacked by her opening speech at the MTV Video Awards. There are three things that are OH MY GOD about this:
1. IT’S MADONNA. MADONNA is opening the show for someone other than herself - Michael Jackson! She isn’t there to promote her latest single, she isn’t there to make headlines by sucking the blood from… sorry, I mean pashing pop star tweenies… She’s just there to humbly acknowledge the death of another great musical stalwart. In fact, the most shocking thing about this, is that Madonna is being publically unselfish! I started wondering when she was gonna turn around and yell for one of her black slaves, I mean children, to get her something!
Of course, she can’t do any of this without comparing the King of Pop to Herself, The Queen of Pop. You know? The QUEEN of Pop?? The QUEEN, everyone.
ME. MADONNA. Just in case you all forgot.
Hey, there’s only so much giving a gal can do…
2. You can tell she wrote that speech herself. I bet she’s been writing some form of it since he died. The whole Jackson clan, and especially darling sister Janet, would have had to OK that speech. Which means maybe Madonna really has evolved, and reached out to allow the Jacksons the honour of her wise wise words.
3. Most shocking of all, she is dressed age appropriately! And looks Fantastic! GASP!!!
Taylor Swift, as annoying as she is, just pulled off a really cool performance. As did Lady Gaga, who started bleeding near the end and for a moment I thought she was having a very embarrassing moment onstage. In a leotard. Oh god, and now what red lace contraption has she got wrapped around her face… And just who the fuck is Russel Brand exactly? …Yeah yeah, you can tell me what he’s been in 'til the cows come home… but who the fuck IS he?
Kanyé West – What a dick. Go and play in traffic with ya mate Chris Brown, fucker.
Beyoncé… Your latest music has made me love you a lot lately. I’ve been calling you the Tina Turner of our generation to my friends. But what you did last night was BY FAR the most professional and graceful moment of the evening.
For those of you that don’t know (and/or care), Kanyé cut short the 19 year old Taylor’s award speech to announce his opinion (he thought it mattered! He hasn’t met me yet) that Beyoncé’s video was better, implying she should have won instead. He handed the mic back to a now speechless Swift, who reportedly ran offstage and bawled. Beyoncé sat through the whole thing mortified.
Later, when Beyoncé won Video Of The Year (an award that is ultimately better than Best Female Video anyway… Stupid Fuckin’ Kayne), she graciously gave over her speech time to Taylor and allowed her to finish.
And now, I love her even more. Yo, B. When you finish up with Jay Z, gimme a call.
Quote of the evening:
The guy from Cobra Starship saying Taylor Swift’s so good, he just gotta make her go bad...
Waa waa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE:
Oh my god, was there a dry eye in anyone’s house last night???
I mean, I kinda knew it was coming… What, with Baby Jane and Van’s AWOL twins, there was just No Way they were going to have that many babies on the show.
But oooh, what a cruel, cruel twist of fate for Cheryl.
It had to happen, things were going far too well for her and Wayne really, and if you start to imagine an end point for the show – now that they’ve announced only One, count ‘em ONE more season after this (don’t they know all the best shows go for Seven seasons??? Buffy, Voyager, Harry Potter if you count books…) – Cheryl and Wolf have a lot of history… If anything was going to drive her back to his arms, it would be losing Wayne’s baby.
Poor, poor Wests…
MY PREDICTION:
The Wests are by now a New Zulind institution. It would only make sense for them to become nationally famous on the show...
THE SUNSHINE:
Don’t you just love it?
And on that note, the Scorpion scuttled away to stretch out on a rock.
Catch you next week, gentle readers.
Same Mad time. Same Mad channel.
And remember, if it itches, and you scratch it, it pays not to suck your fingers afterwards…
THE – MAD – SCORPION.
Hahaha, love it!
ReplyDeleteBut love is a myth... Probably. Well, I don't think I am capable of it anyway. Call me too self involved... or perhaps I just haven't found anyone worthy of my devotion.
Also, your font should be all the same size, as it makes it slightly challenging to read as you get further down the page... And you don't want your readers missing out on your Maddy speils now do you?