40.
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What a shame this is going to be such a lame 40th entry, such a non-celebration. I guess that's how turning 40 can be too...
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I haven’t written in a while.
My back has entered a new stage of deterioration whereby I now get crushed nerve-induced migraines and neck pains, and my shoulder has started to curl in on itself. My shoulder blade keeps getting randomly caught in between my ribs and temporarily causes me to drop to the floor in pain winded like someone has just stabbed me in the back.
This, of course, draws some interesting looks from whoever is around me at the time. Especially as said pain, though completely random and unexpected, only lasts for a few seconds - til I wince my shoulder out of the place it’s stuck in, and then I’m “fine” again. Until it decides to knock me down again a minute or two later when I reach for a cup, or turn on the light, or move my right arm in any direction whatsoever…
Except I’m not fine. I’m kind of terrified. If my body has started down this kind of road already, then what wonders can I look forward to in the future? Especially if left untreated because, and I have to be honest with myself about this, it IS going to be left untreated. The doctors and specialists and operations and hospitals and waiting rooms and the so-many-x-rays-I-must-be-Nuclear-by-now that have filled my almost-33 years of life have taught me… nay, they have sat me down and TOLD me, that there is nothing for me down that road. There is no surgery, there are no options. But on the plus side, they keep telling me I’m not getting worse…. Ummm, yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, but… unless you’re living in this body, then you can’t be the judge of that, are you living in this body, NOOOOOOOO??? WELL THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF THEN.
My family is no help. My mother is too busy stuck on the fact that I smoke weed and am therefore lazy. Comments like “Well, after the way You turned out…” when she’s referring to the way my (much) younger sister is being raised slash turning out… This would be Funny IF she was joking.
My mother is my best friend and my worst enemy. She recently said, during a conversation about my sister being confined to her room to finish her haven’t-started-til-the-last-minute-assignment, “I should have been stricter on You.” I wanted to say to her “Yeah, Newsflash: Strictness and Discipline were NOT where you went wrong with Me, Mother,” but the truth of the matter is that my mother has her head blissfully stuck in the sand, and I have learnt enough times that even though I can pull her head out of the sand and give it a good hard shake and force her to look at the cold harsh world around her, the world that She Put On ME (this is obviously a more personal, metaphorical world I’m talking about, Not the world at large), and she KNOWS it’s there, she’s not stupid… As many times as I can do that to her, she has always retreated back to her sandy bliss-hole, and absolved herself of responsibility for it.
ANYway, the point is my Mother confuses crippling back pain for melodramatics and laziness. Besides, as much as I hate to admit it, she’s getting old. Hell, I’M getting old (I’m only 18 years behind her – in many ways we grew up together really). And when you start to see your mother heading for Old Lady-dom, you start to weigh up what arguments are actually worth having and which aren’t.
Personally, as much as she doesn’t really deserve it, I should probably be a nice son and make her golden years less about the painful fuck-ups of the past and more about the time she’s got left. Not that she’s on deaths door or anything… But I think you start to feel REALLY Mortal in your 30’s, and when YOU start feeling mortal and time rushing by, you KNOW it must feel like gale force winds to your parents, let alone your Grandparents, for whom time must be ticking by like a bomb clock….
So yeah. My family is useless, but I’m not going to argue for change about it. I guess is the moral of that story.
So, just a quick re-cap:
Pain. Lots of it.
All motivation for writing has gone out the window.
May the force be the with you.
My back has entered a new stage of deterioration whereby I now get crushed nerve-induced migraines and neck pains, and my shoulder has started to curl in on itself. My shoulder blade keeps getting randomly caught in between my ribs and temporarily causes me to drop to the floor in pain winded like someone has just stabbed me in the back.
This, of course, draws some interesting looks from whoever is around me at the time. Especially as said pain, though completely random and unexpected, only lasts for a few seconds - til I wince my shoulder out of the place it’s stuck in, and then I’m “fine” again. Until it decides to knock me down again a minute or two later when I reach for a cup, or turn on the light, or move my right arm in any direction whatsoever…
Except I’m not fine. I’m kind of terrified. If my body has started down this kind of road already, then what wonders can I look forward to in the future? Especially if left untreated because, and I have to be honest with myself about this, it IS going to be left untreated. The doctors and specialists and operations and hospitals and waiting rooms and the so-many-x-rays-I-must-be-Nuclear-by-now that have filled my almost-33 years of life have taught me… nay, they have sat me down and TOLD me, that there is nothing for me down that road. There is no surgery, there are no options. But on the plus side, they keep telling me I’m not getting worse…. Ummm, yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, but… unless you’re living in this body, then you can’t be the judge of that, are you living in this body, NOOOOOOOO??? WELL THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF THEN.
My family is no help. My mother is too busy stuck on the fact that I smoke weed and am therefore lazy. Comments like “Well, after the way You turned out…” when she’s referring to the way my (much) younger sister is being raised slash turning out… This would be Funny IF she was joking.
My mother is my best friend and my worst enemy. She recently said, during a conversation about my sister being confined to her room to finish her haven’t-started-til-the-last-minute-assignment, “I should have been stricter on You.” I wanted to say to her “Yeah, Newsflash: Strictness and Discipline were NOT where you went wrong with Me, Mother,” but the truth of the matter is that my mother has her head blissfully stuck in the sand, and I have learnt enough times that even though I can pull her head out of the sand and give it a good hard shake and force her to look at the cold harsh world around her, the world that She Put On ME (this is obviously a more personal, metaphorical world I’m talking about, Not the world at large), and she KNOWS it’s there, she’s not stupid… As many times as I can do that to her, she has always retreated back to her sandy bliss-hole, and absolved herself of responsibility for it.
ANYway, the point is my Mother confuses crippling back pain for melodramatics and laziness. Besides, as much as I hate to admit it, she’s getting old. Hell, I’M getting old (I’m only 18 years behind her – in many ways we grew up together really). And when you start to see your mother heading for Old Lady-dom, you start to weigh up what arguments are actually worth having and which aren’t.
Personally, as much as she doesn’t really deserve it, I should probably be a nice son and make her golden years less about the painful fuck-ups of the past and more about the time she’s got left. Not that she’s on deaths door or anything… But I think you start to feel REALLY Mortal in your 30’s, and when YOU start feeling mortal and time rushing by, you KNOW it must feel like gale force winds to your parents, let alone your Grandparents, for whom time must be ticking by like a bomb clock….
So yeah. My family is useless, but I’m not going to argue for change about it. I guess is the moral of that story.
So, just a quick re-cap:
Pain. Lots of it.
All motivation for writing has gone out the window.
May the force be the with you.
fuck nathan. basically. that's all. x
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