O.M.G. G.O.T.

Jeebus, has it really been 3 months since my last post???

That's the thing about chronic pain and depression, it's so easy to let the days slip by just trying to keep yourself comfortable in the fight against gravity.

I had a whole lot of posts that I'd scribbled up and thought I'd posted but turns out were just saved as drafts and when I read them again they were just babble, much like 54 previous.

Perhaps it's the weather, perhaps it's a Kiwi thing... I wish I had some of that eternal American optimism, but NZ'ers are far too hard and cynical for that.  American Optimism quite often reeks of insincerity (and frankly, inefficiency, something I LOATHE), to the point that I adopt an American accent when I'm having a fake realisation or being fake excited about something (no offence American friends), something I have done since teenagehood.  Honestly, I don't know how they do it.  Who has the time to smile that much??  Or politely discuss then ask, instead of just coming right out with it.
Example:

American Conversation between brothers -

(ring ring... ring ring...)

CHUCK: Hello?

SKIP: Hey Chuck, it's your brother, Skip.

CHUCK: Hey brother!

SKIP: Hey bro! How are you?

CHUCK: Yeah I'm good bro, how about you?

SKIP: Yeah, I'm Super, trucking along, you know how it is.

CHUCK: Yep, Yep, I sure do bro. How's Mercedes?

SKIP: She's great, she just got a promotion at work, so she's Super excited about that, really happy. Plus it means a few more days vacay for us, so that can only be good, right?

CHUCK: Oh, heeeey, Greeeeaaat, that's fantastic!  We should definitely plan a little family trip somewhere bro, take the girls and the kids camping.

SKIP: Yeah bro, that sounds great!

CHUCK: Yeah!  Excellent.

SKIP: Hey, so I was just calling about, see, we're having this school board meet here this weekend, but the hedges around the side of the house are getting a bit long, so I wanted to trim them.

CHUCK: Oh yeah, did you want to borrow my hedge trimmers?

SKIP: Yeah bro, if it's not too much bother!

CHUCK: Nah bro, it's no bother, no bother at all!  You want me to drop it round on my way into the city tomorrow?

SKIP:  Yeah bro, that'd be excellent.

CHUCK:  No problem, no problem bro.

SKIP: Are you sure, because I honestly don't mind coming out to get it myself, I was gonna do that anyway.

CHUCK: Nah bro, I'm coming in through that way anyway, it's no problem.

SKIP: You're sure, you're honestly sure.

CHUCK:  YES, I'm Sure!

SKIP: Well alrighty then.  Thanks a lot bro, I appreciate it.

CHUCK:  No problem, no problem, I'll come by tomorrow morning.

SKIP: What time?

CHUCK: Uuuuh, probably around 7, 7.30 A.M.?

SKIP: Okay, well Mercedes and I will both have left for work by then but you know where the spare key is, just put it inside somewhere and lock the house up again on the way out.

CHUCK: Sure.  No problem.

SKIP:  That's Awesome bro, thank you again.

CHUCK: Hey, what are brothers for right?  I'll talk to you soon.

SKIP: Alright, see you later bro.

CHUCK: Bye bro!

CLICK.

KIWI conversation between brothers:

(ring ring... ring ring...)

DAVE: Hello?

STEVE: Hey, it's me.

DAVE: 'Sup.

STEVE: Just wondering if I can borrow your hedge trimmers bro.

DAVE: Yeah sweet.  Just don't fuckin' break 'em.

STEVE: Yeah yeah. You coming into town tomorrow?

DAVE: Yep.

STEVE: Sweet, can you drop them off?

DAVE: Yep.

STEVE: Sweet. You know where the key is right?

DAVE: Yep.

STEVE: Sweet, just dump it inside.

DAVE: Sweet.

STEVE: Cheers bro.

DAVE:  All good.

STEVE: Laters.

DAVE: Laters.

CLICK.

Now THAT'S Efficiency.
...
I have no idea where I was going with that, so let's move on shall we?

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Let's talk about GAME OF THRONES.

I looooooooooooove me some G.O.T., and don't get me wrong, I still do...
but I thought Season 5 was a bit... Meh.
I think it was the pacing for me.  Obviously this is where the shows are diverging from the books, so the strands of the show are starting to become the only strands we know.  Some of the stories are reaching their written counterpoints, others have been making it up as they go along, others dropped from coverage altogether.
No longer bound to a source material it has morphed from almost slavish-book-adherence into (I'm guessing) it's own Georgie-approved broad-strokes-of-future-story-only beast (you got all that right?).
In a nutshell, some of deez characters stories is just straight-up filler shit yo.
Let's review.
*Spoilers ahead, peasants.*
1. If Stannis is truly dead - and I've yet to believe he is (he may be of more use to Brienne alive), but IF he is... then what was the point of him of at all?  To provide fodder for the various battles he SUCKED IN before dying?  Ugh.
2. Jamie, and the whole Dorne "saga".  UGH. What a waste of time that was.  Bar the final scenes when Elia pashed Myrcella for just a tad too obviously long as I sat there saying "Poison lipstick... she's wearing poison lipstick... Come on, really? Get off her already, we get it, you're wearing poison lipstick... OK, any longer and we're gonna have to call the Police and Child Services M'am because now you're just creepy.  That's right... back awaaaaaaay from the child.", and as they sailed the great distance of about a kilometre off-shore, Jamie sits Myrcella down for a very awkward chat - 

"Who's Your Daddy?"

 "It's OK Uncle Daddy, I'm glad you and Mother are Brother and Sister, 'cause this one time, at band camp, with Joffrey and Tommen and a triple-pronged silver candlestick holder with mother-of-pearl trim, bejeweled with rubies and sapphires...",
And then just when you thought things might get even weirder up in dis here Lannister-family ship(wreck), Ie:

Myrcella up and goes -

and Uncle Daddy just came all this way to not root his Daughter-Niece after all so... what was the point of that?!?  That's what he was going there for, right?
Also, wouldn't you just turn around and go back?  Go see wheelchair-whatshisface and say 'Yo, bitch just kill my bitch dawg' and wheelchair-whatshisface go 'Shiiiiiit, sorry dawg! You know dat bitch be trippin', and Jamie go 'Bitch betta step off', and wheelchair go 'Bitch get her head off' and then fist bump and on their merry way.
But nooooooo, turning the ship around would be super hard so we'll just sail back across the ocean instead before we inevitably come back with Cersei's pet Frankenstein for revenge.
In any case, Dorne sucked, and all we got out of it was 3 seconds of Jamie cracking a semi (alright, tear) over his Daughter cuddles.
Meh.
And as for the fucking Dorne Kardashians, UGH, they just verged on comical.  Unless the Martells have some serious plot power going into the end of the books (and if Stannis is any standard to go by, they probably don't), that whole kingdom could have been wiped off the shows map and we wouldn't be any worse off.
3. LOVING Sansa this season, and although she's starting to grow a spine, she certainly isn't the empowered bad-ass Queen of Winterfell that I'd hoped she'd become.  She is gonna end up playing the politcal game though, and she will rise in power just in time to welcome back her super-assassin sister, animal-controlling brothers, and white-walker-slaying cousin (if the going theory that Jon Snow is Ned's sister's child and not Ned's at all).
4. Speaking of Jon...  Even though he got to go KA-POW!!!

but then Rob-Zombie-Lord is all

and Jon saves everyone, but then, oops, sorry Bro, but you're out. And then stabbity-stab-stab and then

That poor boy was skewered like a melon with cheese-and-onion-toothpicks in the 70's.
But do you really expect me to believe Jon Snow is dead?  I don't think so.  I mean, I know anyone can die in this show, but not him, or Danearys, nor anyone we're REALLY INVESTED in - Stark kids, Tyrion, Jon and Dany, that's who's coming out on top.  I mean think about it, we're not going to care about a final battle that involves none of our favourite characters and a completely new cast than the one we started out with.  I mean, that's like the last few seasons of Melrose Place... *shudder*
5. Cersei.... Poor Cersei...
An idiot child-king for a son, sulking in his room because he doesn't quite realise he has the power to chop off heads to get what he wants...

a daughter you sent away and will never see again... 

your only other son was a sadistic little fuckwit who deserved the death he got (as did you),

and now you've been dragged down about as far as you could be,

(by the way, didn't you just love the 'SHAME!' bell-lady!  I want one!)

and I know it's supposed to humanise her and all that...

but actually, I think all me and the rest of the world think is

*

Later bitches.  Stay classy.

54.

I've been reading over some of my earlier blog posts.  You know, the ones from 5 years ago (lol).  I am stricken with how much they don't seem like it was 5 years ago that I wrote them.  In fact, I am daily stricken by how easily I let time tick by.  Honestly.  There are some weeks that just vanish and I'm like "Wow.  I acheived ZERO this week".
I hate those weeks.  But there's only so much job hunting you can do before you become completely disillusioned and return to EZPZ RPG on your phone to kill your brain.
I'm sure there was a time when I was 28 or so and I thought God Kill Me if I am in the same position in ten years.  Those thoughts kind of motivate you into doing things like courses to improve your lot in life... but here I am, staring 38 down a barrel, thinking Hmmmm... I'm not dead yet.  Nor am I anywhere near where I wanted to be 10 years ago.  In fact, I'm in the same boat.  Only with worse teeth and fatter (thank god for my hair - knock on wood).
Unless I start lying about my age to potential employers... I'm beginning to feel pretty fucked.  Why would anyone hire me when they can hire someone half my age for half the rate?  If I was the kind of person that could that do a dumb job and not hate myself for it, I would never have left my teenage job stacking shelves in the supermarket - god help me, I'm actually considering going back to it.

All About Madonna.

Madonna, Madonna, Madonna.

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REBEL HEART REVIEW

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If you're not a fan, look away now because Queen Bitch is all I'm going to talk about today, and I already know I'm probably going to waffle a bit, because it's hard when you have a trillion thoughts on the subject trying to siphon them down through your fingers in a comprehensible manner...

Her new album 'Rebel Heart' came out this week, so, as is the norm for a new release of hers, I have quietly been digesting it loudly through my stereo and headphones, coming to grips with all that it has to offer.

And it is quite an offering... 25 songs on the super-deluxe version (and let's face it, if you're not getting the whole thing why bother).  And if I'm going to summarise the aural experience in a sentence, I would have to say that I have come out the other side confused, yet satisfied (WOW, I could go into so many puns there, but no... focus).

It's hard to explain just what Madonna means to me...

I like music.

A Lot.

Not Just hers, but music in general.

I have an extremely varied taste in it (even If my go-to genre is dolly-pop or lyric-less house - it's the Trash-Tv of music when I want my mind switched off; I Don't need an emotional journey when I'm trying to switch my mind off).

Madonna, however, is an artist that came to forefront of... well, Life On Planet Earth when I was 5, which is sort of that age when you shake off toddler-dom and start forming solid memories about life and becoming a real person.

There was never any one moment when I can remember hearing one of her songs and having one of those slow-mo, life changing epiphany's... I just remember really liking her music back then.

It was the first music I remember really wanting to move to.  I was more than happy to be one of the "back-up boys" for a group of girls that did a dance to 'Material Girl' for our class.  The girls danced around with their hair-rags and fishnets, and the teacher expressed confusion as to what it was exactly that the boys were doing standing in the background.

The answer was standing in the background wearing denim jackets and bandana's looking cool (doing nothing), but we all thought Madonna was pretty cool then, and therefore we were cool by association.

And let's face it, for those first four albums of hers she WAS Pretty Fucking Cool, and suddenly I was 12, and there was 'Vogue', and by then she'd pretty much been cool my entire life.

Again, no giant life-moments associated with pivotal songs, just a continued, consistently Number One presence.  I feel lucky to have been born when I was, to grow up to the amazing amazingness that was Michael Jackson and Madonna in the 80's.

*

But with Vogue came the 'I'm Breathless' album,

which gave us all the first taste of the "I'm-Madonna-and-I-feel-like-doing-this-now" indulgence-off that has since become part of the Madonna package (see 'American Life' and 'Hard Candy' for details).

It must be quite something for a mega-star of that caliber to have an album flop for the first time since they started a decade ago and realise that suddenly they aren't infallible... the anxiety and insomnia that accompany such first-world problems must be immense.

To her great credit, I think she's done pretty well to survive not only the music industry, but life in general.  She could so easily have been swallowed up by drugs (or the clap) and died in a bathtub long before that car-crash Whitney.

I think being in her 20's and knowing and living the discipline of physical fitness before she ever got famous helped a lot.  If she wasn't hard-out into drugs by then, she probably wasn't going to be.  Unlike the raft of Disney Kids you see now who grow up to be teenagers and, lo-and-behold, hit puberty and discover they have shitloads of cash and like sex and drugs and here, look at my pussy...

well... actually Madonna did the look-at-my-pussy bit too, but at least hers was professionally lit and photographed at her behest...

*

Personally, I like folk music, so I liked 'American Life'.

I thought it was a perfect melding of pop-recording-technology and folk music, but a lot of people didn't (and still don't) get it.  But here's the thing - when you've got 20 years behind you as a musician (which she did back then), you're pretty much allowed to have a go at something different.  Not everyone liked it, and that's Ok.  Her legion of hard-core are still gonna buy whatever she puts out, so she knows she has a guaranteed 4/5 million sales.  And that's on a bad day.  Phew, her kids are gonna eat tonight...

Something else I think is remarkable about her now 30+ years famous: for someone who can't really sing, she's done pretty fuckin well at carving out a career as a SINGER...  Don't you think??

I mean Really...  Listen to those first four albums again.  Back then vocal-processing wasn't a huge factor in her music (or pop music in general, although it was about to be), so you can really hear it.  You can REALLY HEAR that she CAN'T SING (not to diminish that early music of hers at all, because it's still great).

That fact alone still fascinates me to this day.  It wasn't until she had to, for Evita, that she actually went out and got herself singing lessons...

In 1995...

13 YEARS after her first album and 24(!!!) Number One singles later, did she then decide to get Singing Lessons...

I mean COME OOOOONNNNN...  Let that sink in for a minute.

What that basically means is, if you have enough tenacity and determination, you can be a fucking tone-deaf plumber and STILL become a Number-One Hit Making Singer.

Of course it was always her live performances and music videos that shaped her into the artist we view her as today, not her amazing voice.

And unlike 99% of the artists that came out of the 80's, SHE'S STILL FUCKING HERE BITCHES!  No implosions, no gone-crazy, no drug-or-alcohol addiction followed by an early death...

Just a woman doing her thing who's Still Fucking Here doin' it 30+ years later.

A constant musical presence throughout my life.

*

So - 'Rebel Heart'.

No one can deny that she isn't made up of both.  Her love ballads are some of the greatest ballads ever written, and there's certainly a lot documenting her rebellious side.

I couldn't help but snigger, however, when I read one reviewer's comment that hiring dance music's most popular producers and dj's to write her next hits is hardly rebellious.

It's true...  but only to a point.  Because with producers like Avicii and Diplo at the helm, there was a real possibility here that 'Rebel Heart' could have been just a repeat of 'MDNA' and 'Hard Candy' - which truly were albums that rode into the party on the coat-tails of sonic trends about a year too late, not smelling of roses but reeking of desperation.

Thankfully, 'Rebel Heart' is not that.  In actuality you can barely even tell that Of-The-Moment Hit-Makers are behind the wheel of this ship At All.

'Rebel Heart' is... well... different.

Different like 'American Life', in that it holds some of her quirkier songwriting.  And different like 'Erotica' in that it holds some of her best songwriting.  And also different in that it doesn't sound Desperate.  And AND also different because musically, unlike 'MDNA' and 'Hard Candy', or ANY previous albums actually, it doesn't have a sonic thread holding the album together as a whole... but it somehow works!  The only things with a running theme are... well.. the themes (Rebellion and Love - Fighting with Heart, one might say), and it's pretty stellar song-craftmanship.

But like I said earlier, it is pleasantly, yet satisfyinly, confusing...

It isn't her new R&B album, like

 or new Hip-Hop dalliance, a la

It isn't her new EDM album, like

Or her new folk-tech,

 or her new disco-dance-off,

or her new dark-n-dirty thinly-veiled metaphors,

or her new gospel-deep,

or her new far-east-spiritual-high.

...

'Rebel Heart' is actually ALL of these things.  Ie. Madonna.  With a bit of Ska thrown in for good measure (Reggae is Surely the last bastion of unexplored genre for her- and may she stay far, far away from it).
If this weren't a new album, it could serve as a greatest-hits-of-genres-covered-previously.  And the character she seems to be channeling for inspiration is, for once, and for realsies, herself. #Madonna.

For starters, she actually sounds PRESENT, more present than she has sounded in years.  Genuine.  As much of a devotee as I am, even I could tell she was phoning it in for those last few albums.  Hitting the right notes, but no heart strings.

And rather than trapsing out classic-lyrics for one more stroll round the charts, she actually trapses out her life, referencing her past hits by name in her origin-story-song 'Veni Vidi Vici':

'Seemed like yesterday, I was a baby on the street

I took a holiday, I was steppin to the beat

I had to pay my rent, on the lower east side

I threw my tag around, let B-boys take me for a ride

I started writing songs, I kinda got into the groove

They tried to criticize my every single move

But then I realized I had nothing left to lose

It took me by surprise when I became the news...

I expressed myself, came like a virgin down the aisle

Exposed my naked ass, and I did it with a smile

And when it came to sex, I knew I walked the borderline

And when I struck a pose, all the gay boys lost their mind

I justified my love, I made you say your little prayer

They had me crucified, you know I had to take it there

I opened up my heart, I learned the power of good-bye

I saw a ray of light... music saved my life'.

*

Granted, every Madonna album has it's clunkers, and with a 25-track listing, I think the real surprise is that only a couple of them are unlistenable crap (think 'Incredible' from 'Hard Candy'... UGH).

'S.E.X.' is one of those.  I mean, sure, we all expect a song like that from Madonna, but at LEAST make an effort to make it sound good.  Jesus, this is not only just plain Awful musically, but then she goes and adds beyond-crap lyrics.  I mean... just bottom-of-the-barrel, bored-in-the-studio, accidentally-made-it-from-the-cutting-floor-onto-the-album-somehow CRAP.

-

'Oh my God, you're so hot

Pull my hair, let me get on top

Oh my God, soaking wet

Back and forth 'til we break the bed...

When you read my mind, get down and discover me

I'm an open door, let you come inside of me'

...UGH.

-
I honestly don't think there's a person on the PLANET that will want to fuck to that song.

It's actually kind of insulting that she puts out such utter CRAP when we ALL know she is capable of much, MUCH better.  Someone like her really shouldn't have "filler" songs.

On the plus side though, much of this album is Awesome.

Not 'Vogue' or 'Hung Up' Dancefloor-Awesome, but Awesome in an I-Can't-Believe-She's-Finally-Putting-Out-A-Mature-Body-Of-Work way.

Which is Awesome because she is 56 after all, so it was long overdue.

There is maybe 1 song on this album that a DJ might throw on to try and floor-fill, but while this album might not be Madonna-Dancefloor-Ready, it IS a respectable, impressive outing from a respectable, impressive pop artist entering the twilight of her pop career.

I think my wish that she would save face and stop grabbing her crotch and put on a balldress and sing some ballads might be just around the corner, if this album is anything to go by.

Although truth be told, now that she has a new cause to fight for - 

everyone say it with me now, AGISM! - I'll probably still think she's great when she's 80 and grabbing her crotch...

You're never too old to grab your crotch after all.

*

TRACK-BY-TRACK-WHAT-I-THINK:

1. LIVING FOR LOVE.

Classic, updated Madonna.  Gospel choir plus pounding beats...

Gotta love it.

2. DEVIL PRAY.

About as Avicii as anything on this album is gonna get.  I like the voice distortion, and it's got a great melody.  Good as a mindless ditty, not so good if you start taking it seriously.

3. GHOSTTOWN.

Madonna at her best.  Think 'Live To Tell'.  Sounding great and genuine in a fantastically written ballad.

4. UNAPOLOGETIC BITCH.

This is the Ska I was talking about earlier.  And it actually isn't a travesty!  It's actually quite good.

5. ILLUMINATI.

Kanye at the production desk.  It's dark, it's grimy, it's not that great (by all accounts the leaked demos were better) but not terrible either.

6. BITCH I'M MADONNA.

From everything I've read this track is getting a great reception.  Maybe it's just me, but I fucking HATE it.  It's awful, and sounds like killer bees playing chainsaws on a chalkboard.

7. HOLD TIGHT.

I've had my views on this song tainted by reviews.  It's the most mindless fun on the record, but apparently that's a bad thing.  It is pretty generic I suppose, but I like it.  One of those great "Brain-Off" songs.

8. JOAN OF ARC.

Ballad moment.  I don't like it, but all the reviewers seem to...

I dunno, maybe Madonna singing about being a flawed and vulnerable Human Being isn't exactly news to me...

9. ICONIC.

I wish this really busted out into a full on dance floor rager, because it repeatedly threatens to do so.  As it is, it's just a thoroughly enjoyable bop-along.

10. HEARTBREAK CITY.

Another shining ballad moment (with gospel-choir touches for good measure).

11. BODY SHOP.

'American Life's' folk-tech best meets 'Erotica's' songwriting worst.

But actually, ignore the cringe-inducing-lyrics and it's not a bad song.  Reminds me of 'Last Chance Texaco' from Riki Lee Jones.

12. HOLY WATER.

One of the better sex-religion metaphors she's written in a while, although the chorus breakdown could've been better.

It does, however, have the best line of hers EVER that needs to be printed on a t-shirt immediately:
'Bitch, get off my pole'.
Also, ten points for slipping the word 'genuflect' into a song.  You gotta wonder how long she's been itching to do that.
Don't worry, I had to google it too... turns out it's getting down on one knee in worship.  How appropriate.

13. INSIDE OUT.

I really like this song... the dark synth especially.  But it's chirpy chorus doesn't suit the grimy-ness of the verses or the music.  This could easily have been Britney.

14. WASH ALL OVER ME.

Think 'Swim' plus 'Mer-Girl' from 'Ray of Light' and you've pretty much got it.  Madonna is ready to accept that the end is nigh... in career and life.

15. BEST NIGHT.

Meh.

Could have been ripped straight from the 'Bedtime Stories' sessions.

16. VENI VIDI VICI.

Reminds me of 'Soldier' by Destiny's Child, with a 'Four Minutes' epic trumpet breakdown, but an out-of-place, syrupy chorus.

Madonna's Origin Story.  It's Ok.

17. S.E.X.

UGH.

'Nuff said.

18. MESSIAH.

Very Evita-esque.  Very 'Oh Father'-like.

Good if that's your thing.

19. REBEL HEART.

The title track, only available on the deluxe or super-deluxe version, is actually the second-best track on the album next to Living For Love.

A total summarisation of her life and career to date.  Great melody, great lyrics... It's gonna be great live.

Here are the lyrics, 'cause I like them so much and it pretty much sums up the whole album.

*

"I've lived MY LIFE like a masochist

Hearing my father say,

'Told you so, told you so!

Why can't you be like the other girls?'

I said, 'Oh no, that's not me

And I don't think that it'll ever be'

Thought I belonged to a different tribe

Walking alone, never satisfied, satisfied

Trying to fit in but it wasn't me

I said, 'Oh no, I want more

That's not what I'm looking for'

So I took the road less traveled by

And I barely made it out alive

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough love, I knew it from the start

Deep down in the depth

Of my rebel heart

I've spent some time as a narcissist

Hearing the others say,

'Look at you, look at you!

Trying to be so provocative'

I said, 'Oh yeah, that was me'

All the things I did just to be seen

Outgrown my past and I've shed my skin

Letting it go and I'll start again, start again

Never look back, it's a waste of time

I said, 'Oh yeah, this is me

And I'm right here where I wanna be'

I said, 'Hell yeah, this is me

Right where I'm supposed to be'

So I took the road less traveled by

And I barely made it out alive

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough love, I knew it from the start

Deep down in my rebel heart

So I took the road less traveled by

And I barely made it out alive

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough love, I knew it from the start

Deep down in the depth

of my rebel heart."

*

Later Bitches.  Stay Classy.

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