The Mad Scorpion

29.
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GOOD BOOKS… AND WHY I DON’T READ THEM:
Winter is just around the corner and the time to huddle up on the couch with books is upon us.
I could really use some suggestions on this front people!!!
Please leave your lists in the comment box below, or e-mail them to
themadscorpion@gmail.com
and I will definitely take them into consideration.
Hell, I’ll even review them… although, if you’re recommending them, you probably know what they’re about and what they’re like… cough cough…
Anyway, good books please.
For a writer, I’m an extremely bad reader.
I never used to be.
I used to be an avid reader, and Roald Dahl was pretty much my idol.
AND THEN…
And then I went to Writing School.
I was the first student they’d ever allowed onto the course that was straight out of high school.
Their usual policy was Not to let in people That Young and straight out of school because,
quite frankly,
they didn’t think One could be that good a writer without even a little bit of Life Experience behind them. Fair enough.
However, based on the stories I sent in– and one day I will dig them up and post them on here
(‘Dear Louise’ – a trilogy of short stories centered on the after-effects of letters sent in to a homicidal magazine psychic)
– and after they interviewed me, they decided to accept me!
(There is a point, I’m getting to it)
My interview was… well let’s put it this way.
*
SCENE: A young SCORPION, and his 35 year old MOTHER are sitting in a polytech classroom. On chairs in front of them are ADRIENNE, the course director, and MARIANNE, one of the tutors.

ADRIENNE: We were very impressed with the stories you sent in.
SCORPION:…… Thank you.
MARIANNE: How old are you Scorpion?
SCORPION: 17.
MARIANNE: Well they were very good. It’s clear that you know how to write a story and you understand the structure of writing.
SCORPION:……. Ummmmmmmmm…. Thanks.
ADRIENNE: Why do you want to do this course?
SCORPION:…… *Shrugs* I just wanna write.
MOTHER: It’s true. Ever since he could write he’s just always been writing stories.
ADRIENNE: Really?
SCORPION:…… Yeah.
MOTHER: He used to enter short story competitions all the time. He even won a few prizes, didn’t you?
SCORPION:… I only came second.
MARIANNE: And why do you want to be a writer Scorpion?
SCORPION:…*Shrugs* I dunno. I’ve just always done it. I don’t really know what else I’d be.
*
I think I eventually warmed up and probably told them my interests were Writing and Acting, but basically, I didn’t really have to Convince them to let me in because I was Clearly too Green to be anything other than Earnest. So between me shrugging and managing to spit out a few nervous words, and Mum actually filling in some gaps, I was the first Secondary Student Entrant to the Whitireia Community Polytechnic Writing Course, at the time the ONLY writing course in the country.
HOORAH!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!!
Anyway,
THE POINT:
…And it was THERE that I was told, pretty much within the first week and probably on the first day, that

“One could not be a good writer if One did not Read”.
Now, the REASON they told us this was partly because A. it’s true, and B. because 10% of the total course marks were based on us having to read two books a month and write reviews on them.
But, Oh… Alas… I was Young, Dumb, and Full Of… Arrogance, and I decided, right then and there, that I was going to be a good writer WITHOUT reading! I’d show them ALL, I’D PROVE THEM ALL WRONG, FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT, AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
…..
Stupid.
Little.
Scorpion.
While I Aced every single one of those course units – short stories, feature writing, poetry, writing for children, bla bla – I pretty much forfeited 10% of my marks by not reading a single book all year.
Towards the end of the year, the course director told me I had to hand SOMETHING in for my book reviews, so I made them up! I made up two books and wrote reviews about them.
They were BLATANT fabrications, and my course director knew it… but she was never the sort of director to be angry about anything, and pretty much laughed at my creative handling of the situation.
Book Reading, however, was the one course unit I Failed with flying colours.
That was pretty much the end of my avid reading career.
These days, I’m pushing a book a Year. At the Most.
Ugh. If only I’d listened.
HOWEVER! I still do enjoy reading, I just have trouble finding good books! I certainly know what Bad books are, and man there’s a lot of bad books out there. If I’m not liking it in the first two pages,
It’s Over.
Hence, I need your help.
Help Me to Help The Avid Reader Inside Me.
Don’t let me down kiddies.

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41,834:
The amount of words I’ve written for this blog so far. How bout that!
A pat on my humped back for me.
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CONFEDERATE FLAG, BEGONE!:
I walked past work this morning and realised somebody must have FINALLY cracked the Boss about the Confederate flag outside because… TA DAAAAAA!!! IT’S GONE!!!
HOORAH!!! It only took just over a year but thank god for that.
And here I was about to send anonymous e-mails to the Boss with links to informative pages hoping that maybe the INTERNET might open his eyes a bit, but… in reality? The Boss probably thinks the Internet is a lesser version of his brain and couldn’t possibly know anything more than himself…
In it’s place is… cough… an Australian flag,

but…
At least it’s not a Swastika…

And hey, Summah Bayee ees een Ostraaaaleeah!

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THE U.K. ELECTIONS: Are sounding FUCKED UP right about now!
What’s with that?!?!?!
Can you say “REEKS OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION???”
“Yeah, we know you guys voted for this, but we’re gonna give you this other thing anyway…”
…
‘And I think to myself
What a wonderful world’…
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WHAT TO DO WITH DEAD PEOPLE’S NUMBERS ON MY PHONE:
I’ll never need them again, but I can’t quite bring myself to delete them…
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BEST STORY FROM MY LITTLE BROTHER EVER:
This story is over a year old now, but I have been chuckling to myself about it recently, so, I thought I’d share.
*
My little brother, 18 at the time, goes out on the town, Wellington, with his mate. They go to a strip club for a while, then later on at a nightclub they see one of the strippers there.
They get talking to her then offer her a sesh, so they go for a walk.
Along the way, my brother says to her
(And the award for Best Line Ever goes to…)
“Keen for some Dick?”
Keen For Some Dick… The most excellent words ever spoken.
As it turns out, she was, and they ended up having a threesome in the bushes outside Te Papa…
Now THAT’S some cultural learning for ya, HAHAHAHAHA.
Go the bro.
And here I thought I was the only deviant in the family…
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