9.

The other day I was sitting in a café. I do this once in a blue moon in Carterton. I don’t usually need coffee and muffins while I write, but on this day I’d decided I was due a treat.
As I sat writing my blog, a man in his mid forties – definitely a local – approached me and said “What are you doing there ay?”
“Umm… I’m writing.” Was my reply.
“Writing!” He exclaimed. “Don’t you have a job?”
Anyone who knows me knows this is not the sort of thing I let slide. But it is the sort of thing I let slide around these parts – explaining creative urges and artistry is kinda pointless.
But not this day. Who the fuck did this guy think he was. And did you just belittle WRITING???
“Fuck you.” Was the first thing out of my mouth. Followed by “What’s wrong with writing?”
To my surprise, the guy laughed, turned to his friend – one of the women who worked there – and said “Ha! I like this guy!”
“What do you write?” was his next question.
“Stuff and things.” I replied, not really wanting to give this dick any information about my life.
“Aw, true. Good on ya!” he said, giving me a completely genuine thumbs up and returning to his seat.
Why thank you, random stranger, for your validation…

.

AVATAR: THE LEGEND OF ANG:
My new favourite cartoon series, although probably best left for DVD. An epic story involving the fulfilling of one’s destiny. Plus wicked character development too. Like seven seasons of Buffy packed into one. Very cool. Watch it.

.

BRITNEY:
HA! What a lovely slut.
Her new song is called ‘3’. It’s about threesomes…
“1, 2, 3,
Peter, Paul and Mary…”
Hot though.

.

BEYONCE AND LADY GAGA’S ‘VIDEO PHONE’:
What a pair of lovelies…
And Beyonce’s not bad either.

.

MY COUSIN HAS GOTTEN THE REGIONS’ BIKE PREGNANT:
This is the latest drama to inhabit our lives…
I’m not very impressed with my cousin. The “woman” he has ALLEGEDLY impregnated is… barely human.
I’m not usually so rude about people (pfft) but My God. Seriously, I had to consciously stop my jaw from dropping when I met her. It’s like a pig got up and started walking and talking. And didn’t bother showering. EVER IN HER LIFE. And has had a litter of babies, ALL of them taken away by CYPS – three of them, I kid you not. And gives blowjobs for tinnies. And has fucked half of the Wairarapa. Which means there’s some pretty fuckin’ desperate cunts round here cause how you get a hard on for THAT is beyond me.
And I’m not joking about one word of this, boys and girls.
The pig is simply the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on.
Worse, even, than the obese Samoan pre-op transvestite I pity-fucked way back when.
Waaaaaaaaaay worse.
And she has the personality to fit. She really isn’t all there.
Anyway, she reckons she’s pregnant to my cousin. Everybody’s first reaction is:
“Oh god… No no no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”
The second thing they say is:
“How does she know it’s his???”
Which is exactly right – she doesn’t. My thoughts are she wants it to be him because she knows he wants kids. He’s the only one of her Fucks that might actually give a shit.
So, the only thing to do now is wait. Wait to see if she’s actually pregnant – mental note: tell my cousin to stop fucking her IMMEDIATELY so he can’t get her pregnant in the meantime if she’s not – and then when she has this mutant baby, get it DNA tested.
If it’s his, then sweet. His whanau will take that baby off her and raise it and love it as one of their own, which it is.
But if it ain’t, then she can fuck right off.
I really don’t want this bitch as part of my family, let alone the mother of any of my relatives.
Or the mother of my dead Uncle’s grandchildren, for that matter.
UGH. YUCK.

.

THINGS I CURRENTLY HATE:
1. Aforementioned beast-pig.
2. Fat Freddy’s Drop – So over them. And so Not looking forward to a summer of their music bashed to death again. Ugh.
3. Twilight Mania – OVER IT. Robert Pattinson’s not even hot. Taylor Lautner on the other hand…
As my friend hilariously said:
“Twilight: New Moon. The story of a young woman’s choice to practice either beastiality or necrophilia.”
4. Paramore – UGH. HATE. Annoying, untalented, Music Crime.
5. The News. As you may or may not have noticed, I have not been commenting on politics or news lately. So over it. I accidentally watched a few minutes of Parliament TV the other day… It’s like someone stuck a camera in a kindergarten and dressed them up in suits then took their toys away. Which, by the way, seriously needs to happen.
TAKE THEIR TOYS AWAY AND LEAVE THEM WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT ACTUAL WORK.
6. Owl City’s “Fireflies” – Has anyone actually listened to the lyrics of this prissy shit??? GOD it annoys me. It sounds like it should have meaning or something, but it’s just NONSENSICAL RUBBISH!!! SERIOUSLY! It’s like it’s trying to be soulful, but is a song about describing objects in a room… UGH! THUMBS WAY DOWN.
7. Being lovesick. What a crock. Who the Fuck came up with this shit anyway…

I plan to function perfectly well Alone (with a well stocked cupboard of great friends and whanau) for the rest of my life. Leave this love shit to all you other suckers.

.

SIDENOTE:
I came to the library, and couldn’t help but browse the newspaper.
Two pages in and I already wish I hadn’t.
Hellooooooo… Does nobody see anything wrong with:
“Wellington High School’s agriculture and horticulture class has produced more than
100 bottles of wine this year. And they have passed the all important taste test – getting the thumbs-up from a wine expert… The wines are also proving popular with the pupils’ parents.”
End quote.
Wow. I hope they are also being taught important drinking culture conducts too. Like ‘Tactical Spewing’, and ‘How To Score Drunk Chicks’…

.

THINGS I CURRENTLY LOVE:
1. Summer arriving. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah… Good parties, good friends, good food... Good times. Summer and all that it encumbers.
2. Having my lawns freshly mown. Yep. I said it. Domesticated, I know.
3. Dizzee Rascal’s “Holiday”. Lovin’ it.
4. Seeing episodes of South Park I haven’t seen before. Sweeeeeeet.
5. Drinkin vodka, tonics and limes. Mmmmm.
6. Music videos in the morning. Like coffee, only much, Much better.
7. Fruit toast. Num num.

8.

The Mad Scorpion is another year older this week.

I swear my gray hair population quadrupled overnight.

I spent an hour on the morning of my 32nd birthday pulling out grays.

I'm not sure if that amounted to age paranoia or just straight out shock. I am positive they were not there the night before...

According to The Dominion Posts' Horoscopes I am:

Sensitive,

Emotional,

Adaptable,

and Serious-Minded.

I am

Passionate,

Possessive,

and Impatient.

I take GREAT offence to all of this, though logic tells me to go with the flow.

I impatiently wait for a much better description of MY star sign in next years paper, GODDAMMIT!!!

Time for a little history lesson in

SCORPIO:

Scorpio is the eighth sign of the zodiac symbolised in four forms : the 'eagle', the 'phoenix', the 'lizard' and the 'Scorpion' and is often poorly mistaken for being a sign that can think of little else but physical passion. Yet Scorpio is a truly mystical sign and can transcend far beyond the physical realm to depths often left wanting in others.

In ancient times we know that Scorpio and Libra were linked, believed to be as one form, when the scales were held between the claws, in the 'Claws of the Scorpion'. Hence the desire for truth through examining all the available evidence and more is a powerful Scorpion trait, always supported with a sense of cautious investigation. The claws and scales indicated the power to preserve or destroy.

The ancient ruling planet of Scorpio was Mars, the God of War, associated with aggression and wrath, seen as tempestuous with explosive energetic outbursts.

Mars, father of Romulus and Remus, had Venus as his mistress and a sister-wife Bellona. This ancient ruler perhaps gives some insight into why the sign is much maligned.

Pluto is now the ruling planet of Scorpio, symbolising the beginning of life and its end, creation and destruction most patently described in the life-forces of the earthquake, the volcano and subsequent explosive force. Yet it must then be remembered that Pluto also symbolises life after death, the resurrection. In Roman mythology, Pluto was seen to be the Guardian of the Underworld, known to the ancient Greeks as Hades.

In ancient Greek mythology the hunter Orion was stung by the scorpion after boasting of his prowess, that he could kill any animal. Hera secretly commanded the scorpion to act and subsequently raised Scorpio to the Heavens, known as Scorpius.

The qualities of Scorpio are seen to be magnetism, mystical intensity, dependability, indulgent, probing, defensive, changeable and secretive (Hera connection). On the negative side Scorpio can be self-destructive, seen as serious with a desire to control, especially in love.

The symbol of the Scorpion is inextricably linked to Creation myths, more specifically the creation of man and woman, and their subsequent fall (the sting in the tail). The eighth phase of the journey of the Sun is experienced here, that of the middle aged adult determined to succeed in their abilities.

Scorpio is a fixed and negative water sign associated with the statements

'I control',

'I experience all things', and

'I know'.

It rules the generative system.

- That's the cock and vag.

...As if all this weren't enough to contend with. Apparently it's not enough just to be a human alive and experiencing life - we have pre-destined personality traits ruled by the planets too!

Neato!

So, what else can we do to make things interesting... I know... we'll chuck some Chinese Asstrology into the mix too.

What would happen if we put this Scorpion, and this Snake together???

.

ME, THAT'S WHAT.

.

Go on, poke a stick at that shit.

I dare ya.

I think only a Leo Dragon could come close...

I'd like to see the Scorpion-Snake and the Lion-Dragon in a Pokemon fight...

.

"You Gots Some 'Splainin' To Do Boy!":

I feel the need to do some explaining on some of my rants in 7.

Yes, I was an idiot blurred by alcohol and hazed emotions.

Yes, I made some baaaaaad decisions.

Yes, I acted vindictively.

Yes, I used people I shouldn't have.

But all of these realisations are retrospective, and None of it was intentional at the time.

Apologies to those I used and abused,

and Aapologies to those who feel I wronged them.

...See? I'm not all bad.

.

GAINING WEIGHT:

As someone who has never been able to weigh over 58 kilograms his entire life, it was quite a shock to me when I went to the Doctors about 8 months ago, and he decided to measure and weigh me. Just for the hell of it.

When the scales read 68kgs, I stared at him blankly and told him the scales must be broken.

They were not.

Turns out ten years of living in cities with hills may have had something to with my oh-so-slim figure, not my metabolism at all!

As someone who has even TRIED to gain weight in the past to no avail, this came as quite a shock.

As someone who has NEVER had to contend with weight issues, I wouldn't even have the slightest idea as to how to go about losing it.

I tell ya... all this middle-aged shit hit me like clockwork at 31.

I see a diet of lettuce and vodka on the summer horizon...

.

THE ALL WHITES WIN OVER BAHRAIN:

Don't care. Fuck off.

Yes, I like soccor more than rugby, but still...

Do we have to act like it's Sevens Week people??

Dial it down a notch ay??

.

STAR TREK:

The latest film version.

SEE IT.

Even if you've never been into Star Trek before, don't let the title put you off.

Yes, I realise that is A LOT easier to say than do... but Trust Me.

The new Star Trek is AWESOME. Not just as a reboot of the old franchise, but also as a stand alone action flick.

From the makers of Lost, it's honestly one the best films to come out this year.

SEE IT.

.

KARISSA AND KRISTINA:

Hugh Hefners' new twin girlfriends.

That's some hot shit.

I wouldn't mind being 84 if I had those two running around naked all day.

GRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWL.

.

ANYA CHRISTINA EMANUELLA JENKINS:

Harris...

I think my favourite of all Buffy characters, Anya was to Buffy as Seven Of Nine was to Voyager.

Slaughtered like a bunny during the last battle of Sunnydale, Anya will be forever missed...

Although I'm currently enjoying her on re-runs.

.

BIRTHDAY BURRITO:

With my birthday falling on a Monday and very few friends around to celebrate with me, I had a very lacklustre Thirty-Second.

With no cake in sight and a burrito for dinner, I decided to grab and candle and jam it in the burrito so I could get my Birthday Wish.

I lit it, made my birthday wish -

which, at the last second, I realised was the same wish I had made for the last three or four years to no avail, and so changed it -

took a deep breath,

and sent my wish up in smoke...

.

Here's to an exciting and joy filled year for everyone in the Mad Scorpions' World.

.

PEACE OUT.

7.

Hello again.
Well, what should be 9 has instead become 7, as I’ve been… not so much slack, as… otherwise engaged for the last couple of weeks.
The Mad Scorpion had a short sharp lesson in

DEATH:
The ultimate in goodbyes. The only sure thing we know is going to happen to every single one of us.
Every day it happens to someone, and every day a new family and network of friends is washed in the ripple-effect.
Just think about that for a moment.
Every day, someone is consumed by death grief.
Never mind the circumstances of said death, which inevitably vary for everyone.
The circumstances of my friend’s death were particularly grim... A drug overdose that leaves others to find and clean up and be traumatised by the mess. Not the first in my life either, but here’s hoping the last.
But there was something oddly… calming? comforting? about the fact that we all knew what path our friend had chosen. In some cases, there’s only one way things can end.
We also knew that he was cheating death on an entirely different level by suffering all of his life from Cystic Fibrosis. On the one hand, his conclusion was inevitable. On the other, he was totally beating the odds anyway and going out in style with a bang. Albeit slowly and over years.
Which I guess leads me to my next subject:

THE AFTERLIFE:
I don’t know if I believe in a god. Not THE God, anyway. If an old man with a white beard whose face you can never really see is waiting to greet me, sitting on a throne scolding and judging me before pulling the lever and opening the trap-door to hell is all that’s out there… I’ll be seriously disappointed.

I don’t even believe that there’s one heaven and one hell.
It can’t be that simple.

What I believe –

and brace yourselves because I’m about to get seriously hippy on it, no matter how hard I try to avoid it –

is that when you die, you just join the Universal Energy.
Everything is energy, and energy is Everything. It’s just in different forms.
Think about the smallest speck of dust and then zoom out to your house, your town, your country, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, then out and out and out past that until everything out there becomes as tiny as the smallest speck of dust… It’s all Energy, and everything’s connected. Whether it’s in a living being or not.

You’re still you, but if you were a seriously unhappy soul with a shit life who hated everything and everything bad happened to you and woe is me, then that’s what kind of energy you’ll be afterwards.
But if you were slightly more than this in your core, if you even have the capacity to be halfway happy, (let alone kind, loving and empathetic) then you’ll still be that, only free of a body. And joined by anyone and everyone you ever loved who’s been released from their bodies.
And you can still see Us in the living. And you still love us, and talk to us. You live through us. You stay alive in us.
But I’m kind of digressing.
I’m using some simple and childish terms here but I can’t think of any other way to describe it, so it will have to do.

Guardian Energy as part of the whole Universal Engery.

That’s where my dead whanau and friends go.
When I’m down, or feeling scared, or even want the weather to clear up for a good reason, I literally do a roll call in my head and ask for help from the appropriate spirit. Or even the whole Universe if the occasion calls for it.
But I swear to “god”… I don’t think it’s failed me yet.
Well… none of them have helped me win lotto yet but let’s not go there.
I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in The Power of Love.
…sick yet?

MORTALITY:
I’ve been hearing more and more people from my parents generation saying “I’m getting’ old!”
And the scary thing is, it’s true. People I never regarded as being old are now not far off being… *shudder*… Elderly.
Which begs the question… Euthanasia – Yay or Nay?
I’m a believer in Yay.
And I’m talking a huge distinction between Euthanasia and Suicide.
If you have a really really REALLY good reason, and carving your own end date out gives you a dignity and relief you would otherwise be denied… then who is anyone else to object?
After all, if it was a decision you were making about your life, as opposed to your death, no-one would object. Or they might for a while but once they realised you were determined, or were making the same decision over and over again and just weren’t listening, they’d throw their arms up and be done with you or simply say something along the lines of “Well… it’s their life, we can’t do anything about it”, or better yet “They made their bed, now they can lie in it”.
And most on the receiving end of those lines would be fine with it. In fact, they’d be pleased.
Getting the drift?
Go Yay.

THROAT CANCER:
I hope I haven’t got it.
I fuckin smoked myself silly over the last few weeks. Feelin a bit raw in there.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION:
I decided something the other day as I lay in bed pondering my life.
I moved from my last location to get away from… well, let’s just say –

and I’m being unusually open here… this comes from the

deepest

darkest

recesses of

The Mad Scorpion’s soul –

I wanted deeply a relationship that was never, and IS NEVER, going to happen.
After they dumped me, know what I did?
I proceeded to fuck anyone and everyone that they had ever been with, or wanted to be with, or looked at, or were friends with… I turned my Slut on HARD.
“Maybe the jealousy will drive them back!” I blondely thought.
WOW. What. A dick.
My next decision, to become a version of myself so great that they’d inevitably realise what they were missing out on and come to their senses... Didn’t work either.
My next step, I thought, was to just try even harder to be an even bigger and better version of me. Get a career, become a great writer, who’s so famous and so rich that they will FINALLY realise what they are missing etceteraaaaaaabla bla.
But there are two pitfalls to that idea.

1. I’m not getting any younger or thinner, and
2. I have concluded that that is PaTHETic.
And thank god I am Not.
If I’m going to do that, it’s for myself because A. See Above, re: Not Pathetic, and B. See Above,
re: NEVER going to happen.
I finally swam out of my drunken hurt and realised I needed to seriously snap out of it.

Of course while all this went on, we became FRRRRRRRRIEEEEEEEEEENDS.
NO-ONE who knew me before this person came along could understand what I saw in them, or why I was such a loyal friend to them. Let’s face it, they still don’t - this person was pretty arseholey to me at times. Apart from the obvious reason, of course.
Which is that I am still in love with them.
Which is odd, because even if I had a renewed chance with them, I’m not entirely sure I’d take it.
Too much has gone on, water, bridges, etc.
What’s worse, is that this particular person has quite a few ex’s who are still obsessed with them.
And I’m talking photos of them, and enlarged photos of their various body parts – one in particular – Oh, ok, a giant photo of their cock – next to their bed.
I’m talking large gold framed pictures of them together on the wall in front of their bed so it’s the first thing they see when they wake.
I’m talking their artwork all over their bedroom and lounge.
I’m talking about keeping a bag of “Things That They’ve Ever Touched.” Like bus tickets. Or theatre programs. Or condom wrappers.
I’m talking OBSESSED.
Thankfully, they are my Craziness Benchmark. I at least have that to remind me that I will never get that bad.

It’s the idea of What Could Be that haunts me. I guess. I’m not sure what it is that connects me so, and enduringly.
This is not blind love, that’s for sure.


And so, after years of pining and a heart that had not changed its mind, I decided to move.
To be fair, a large chunk of my closest and bestest friends also flew the coop within months of each other, which made the decision a lot easier. But I decided to throw away whatever life I’d created and get the fuck out of there to clear my head.
And another year passed. And we still remained friends. Best friends even.
…And nothing has changed.
I don’t even see anyone else that rattles my bones.
I understand and accept the need that I need to be free of this soul-ball-and-chain for my own good.

But how do you tell someone who's your best friend and done nothing wrong and everything's "fine" to Fuck Off and get out of your life for good???

You can't really.

Which leads me to my next idea…

I am going to move

To the opposite side

of the PLANET.

I haven’t exactly worked out where that is yet (I’ll get on google earth later) but… I reckon that’s my place.
It’s an extreme and dramatic decision…
which is exactly why it’s Perfect for me.
I have spun my imaginary globe and landed on the X.
…Which Google Earth tells me is…
*drum roll please…*

MADRID, SPAIN!!!

Perrrrrrrrrfect.

And don’t get bitchy on me. We all know the heart and the mind follow you wherever you go.
We all know it’s my mind that needs to escape.
But maybe this will be easier to do in Spain!
Fingers crossed.


….eh. Who am I kidding.

Fuck you all.

Please turn on your magic beam,
Mr. Sandman, stop making me scream.