The Mad Scorpion

8.

The Mad Scorpion is another year older this week.

I swear my gray hair population quadrupled overnight.

I spent an hour on the morning of my 32nd birthday pulling out grays.

I'm not sure if that amounted to age paranoia or just straight out shock. I am positive they were not there the night before...

According to The Dominion Posts' Horoscopes I am:

Sensitive,

Emotional,

Adaptable,

and Serious-Minded.

I am

Passionate,

Possessive,

and Impatient.

I take GREAT offence to all of this, though logic tells me to go with the flow.

I impatiently wait for a much better description of MY star sign in next years paper, GODDAMMIT!!!

Time for a little history lesson in

SCORPIO:

Scorpio is the eighth sign of the zodiac symbolised in four forms : the 'eagle', the 'phoenix', the 'lizard' and the 'Scorpion' and is often poorly mistaken for being a sign that can think of little else but physical passion. Yet Scorpio is a truly mystical sign and can transcend far beyond the physical realm to depths often left wanting in others.

In ancient times we know that Scorpio and Libra were linked, believed to be as one form, when the scales were held between the claws, in the 'Claws of the Scorpion'. Hence the desire for truth through examining all the available evidence and more is a powerful Scorpion trait, always supported with a sense of cautious investigation. The claws and scales indicated the power to preserve or destroy.

The ancient ruling planet of Scorpio was Mars, the God of War, associated with aggression and wrath, seen as tempestuous with explosive energetic outbursts.

Mars, father of Romulus and Remus, had Venus as his mistress and a sister-wife Bellona. This ancient ruler perhaps gives some insight into why the sign is much maligned.

Pluto is now the ruling planet of Scorpio, symbolising the beginning of life and its end, creation and destruction most patently described in the life-forces of the earthquake, the volcano and subsequent explosive force. Yet it must then be remembered that Pluto also symbolises life after death, the resurrection. In Roman mythology, Pluto was seen to be the Guardian of the Underworld, known to the ancient Greeks as Hades.

In ancient Greek mythology the hunter Orion was stung by the scorpion after boasting of his prowess, that he could kill any animal. Hera secretly commanded the scorpion to act and subsequently raised Scorpio to the Heavens, known as Scorpius.

The qualities of Scorpio are seen to be magnetism, mystical intensity, dependability, indulgent, probing, defensive, changeable and secretive (Hera connection). On the negative side Scorpio can be self-destructive, seen as serious with a desire to control, especially in love.

The symbol of the Scorpion is inextricably linked to Creation myths, more specifically the creation of man and woman, and their subsequent fall (the sting in the tail). The eighth phase of the journey of the Sun is experienced here, that of the middle aged adult determined to succeed in their abilities.

Scorpio is a fixed and negative water sign associated with the statements

'I control',

'I experience all things', and

'I know'.

It rules the generative system.

- That's the cock and vag.

...As if all this weren't enough to contend with. Apparently it's not enough just to be a human alive and experiencing life - we have pre-destined personality traits ruled by the planets too!

Neato!

So, what else can we do to make things interesting... I know... we'll chuck some Chinese Asstrology into the mix too.

What would happen if we put this Scorpion, and this Snake together???

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ME, THAT'S WHAT.

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Go on, poke a stick at that shit.

I dare ya.

I think only a Leo Dragon could come close...

I'd like to see the Scorpion-Snake and the Lion-Dragon in a Pokemon fight...

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"You Gots Some 'Splainin' To Do Boy!":

I feel the need to do some explaining on some of my rants in 7.

Yes, I was an idiot blurred by alcohol and hazed emotions.

Yes, I made some baaaaaad decisions.

Yes, I acted vindictively.

Yes, I used people I shouldn't have.

But all of these realisations are retrospective, and None of it was intentional at the time.

Apologies to those I used and abused,

and Aapologies to those who feel I wronged them.

...See? I'm not all bad.

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GAINING WEIGHT:

As someone who has never been able to weigh over 58 kilograms his entire life, it was quite a shock to me when I went to the Doctors about 8 months ago, and he decided to measure and weigh me. Just for the hell of it.

When the scales read 68kgs, I stared at him blankly and told him the scales must be broken.

They were not.

Turns out ten years of living in cities with hills may have had something to with my oh-so-slim figure, not my metabolism at all!

As someone who has even TRIED to gain weight in the past to no avail, this came as quite a shock.

As someone who has NEVER had to contend with weight issues, I wouldn't even have the slightest idea as to how to go about losing it.

I tell ya... all this middle-aged shit hit me like clockwork at 31.

I see a diet of lettuce and vodka on the summer horizon...

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THE ALL WHITES WIN OVER BAHRAIN:

Don't care. Fuck off.

Yes, I like soccor more than rugby, but still...

Do we have to act like it's Sevens Week people??

Dial it down a notch ay??

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STAR TREK:

The latest film version.

SEE IT.

Even if you've never been into Star Trek before, don't let the title put you off.

Yes, I realise that is A LOT easier to say than do... but Trust Me.

The new Star Trek is AWESOME. Not just as a reboot of the old franchise, but also as a stand alone action flick.

From the makers of Lost, it's honestly one the best films to come out this year.

SEE IT.

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KARISSA AND KRISTINA:

Hugh Hefners' new twin girlfriends.

That's some hot shit.

I wouldn't mind being 84 if I had those two running around naked all day.

GRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWL.

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ANYA CHRISTINA EMANUELLA JENKINS:

Harris...

I think my favourite of all Buffy characters, Anya was to Buffy as Seven Of Nine was to Voyager.

Slaughtered like a bunny during the last battle of Sunnydale, Anya will be forever missed...

Although I'm currently enjoying her on re-runs.

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BIRTHDAY BURRITO:

With my birthday falling on a Monday and very few friends around to celebrate with me, I had a very lacklustre Thirty-Second.

With no cake in sight and a burrito for dinner, I decided to grab and candle and jam it in the burrito so I could get my Birthday Wish.

I lit it, made my birthday wish -

which, at the last second, I realised was the same wish I had made for the last three or four years to no avail, and so changed it -

took a deep breath,

and sent my wish up in smoke...

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Here's to an exciting and joy filled year for everyone in the Mad Scorpions' World.

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PEACE OUT.