You better host, bitch.

Ok, so the last couple of days were interesting, and confirmed what I have often thought about the following subject – Host Responsibility.

I'm not talking about the legal kind that you have to do if you're in the Hospitality trade. I'm talking about good old fashioned, down on the farm, here's a blanket, there's the bread, Looking After Your Guests.

Perhaps it's because I'm from a large Maori whanau that I just grew up with this innate understanding that if you have someone to stay at your house, you make sure they are fed, and bedded, and free to access either of those things at any time of the day, whether you are there or not.

Not only does this apply to your family members, but ya best mates as well, who are after all the family you choose and go through life with, and should therefore be treated as such.

I'm not saying roll out the red carpet and wipe their arses.

I'm saying Yo, this my house, jugs over there, beds in there, help yaself.

What I've noticed lately, within the gay crowd almost exclusively all the gay friends I have pretty much live off food they can buy in town, and their houses are usually pretty depleted of edible food (although well stocked with alcohol and internet). So although they might get you drunk and give you their wi-fi password, they are pretty much useless when it comes to the making sure your guest is fed part. A lot of them only seem to eat at night also, like some kind of disco-vampire, and if they don't do it before they drink you can pretty much kiss dinner-time goodbye.

I'm probably sounding really rude here by saying all of this – like an ungrateful pratt one might say. I need to at this point present the other side of my coin, which basically goes something like this:

Friend: 'Hey, travel and stay with me.'

Me: 'Na can't mate, I'm a broke bitch and really can't afford it but thank you anyway'.

Friend: 'Don't worry about it mate, I/We'll look after you.'

Me: 'No, really, I'd pretty much only have train fare to get there and back, and I don't want to be dependant on you.'

Friend: 'Mate, don't be stupid, it's all good, I got this covered, just come'.

Me: 'No, really, thank you but no.

Friend: 'You're coming. Just get on the train and do it. Don't worry about a thing'.

Me: 'Alright, alright, I'll do it. Thank You.'

I think I have finally learnt my lesson this summer. Just stick to your original gut instinct and stay the fuck away - unless it's tight family and or friends who say these things, because these are the people you can literally stand in front of an open fridge and whine that they have nothing to eat, and they will 9 times of 10 fix the problem for you and feed your whinging fuckhole so you'll shut up.

For example – I recently met someone online, chatted and texted and messaged and phone-called for a couple of weeks, and then we decided to meet. It was one of those above situations where my lack of money wasn't a problem and just do it. They had been texting me all morning about the bbq meal they were going to make us, and that they had bought vodka and this and that, and what a great night we were going to have. Now that all sounds pretty good, right? Pretty normal sort of stuff that you'd do if you were having friends over for dinner.

I arrived and we went for a drive to the beach, where we proceeded to talk and laugh and have a great afternoon out in the sun by the water, which, FYI, is probably number 2 on my list of favourite things to do (you can take a guess about what number 1 is – don't strain ya brain over it). We go back to their place, we proceed to have a cocktail and by my third I had a good buzz on and began to think eating was probably a good idea at this point. We all know that if you don't, you have that one drink that just kills all hunger and thought of eating and puts you in the drink-til-you-inevitably-pass-out zone. Which is pretty much what happened next...  To them.

I'm at a semi-strangers house (although you can feel pretty chummy with someone after a couple weeks of digital lip service), feeling pretty horny if I'm completely honest, and feeling like that might be reciprocated (also through a couple weeks of digital lip service and a bit of a grope and kiss session during cocktail making), and before you know it they are completely drunk and asleep on the only couch while their two large dogs are well and truly parked up on the unmade bed and you are left in the situation of being starving, and freezing, with nowhere to sleep. And no way of getting home, or even out of the suburbs you are trapped in, until the morning.

And the even worse situation of them not remembering a thing the next morning and completely oblivious to the fact that A. you've had a shit barely-sleep on the chair all the while hating the fuck out of their fucking dogs and B. you are still starving.

And C. Totally confused about the fucking paradoxical line between what they're saying and what they're doing. I couldn't have gotten more mixed signals if I was a fucking NASA satellite.

What. Is Up. With That.

NEXT.

Another recent stay with friends started out really well as we partied away the NY's, but come the 3^rd and they were still pretty much in bed and I was trapped at their house with nothing but Christmas chocolate and biscuits. That is until one of them finally came good on his all-day threat to go into town and get some food (at 9pm that night) and they ended up getting a box of frozen pies. Which he then grilled. So they were burnt on top and frozen inside.

43 years old and ZERO idea how to MAKE HOT a frozen pie.

I mean COME OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN...

They'd also promised to get me home but by day 4 with no sign of remembrance from them, and then getting a brush-off when I asked, I was forced to (UGH – I really fucking HATE doing this too) get in touch with my 19 year old sister and ask to borrow money to get my stranded ass home.

People REEEEEEEEAAAAAAALLY don't get disabilities if they're not obvious. For me in particular, if I don't eat, my spine feels literally depleted of spinal fluid or something, and it gets really sore and gravity gets noticeably harder to deal with. Same with lack of, or an uncomfortable, sleep. No Fuel in the tank equals fucked spine equals hideously-grumpy-and-in-pain-but-can't-show-it-for-fear-of-seeming-like-a-Princess-ingrate cunt.

But if people don't get constant-body-pain issues, then they Really just don't Get It.

...It's not easy being green.

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By the way, although I'm a dog lover? I am really... REALLY... over people putting their dogs before other people. Or more to the point, allowing their dogs priority over other human beings, or allowing them to behave badly or annoyingly to the point you are telling the dog to stop whatever they're doing (licking your face or refusing to get our of your crotch, for example), and are then made to feel like the bad guy because you are being “mean” to their precious pooch all because you didn't want fucking dog slobber all over your face.

My Nana really grinds my gears on this. I've told her many a time that I am pretty allergic to cats and dogs, even though I often don't let that stop me because I also Love some dogs and all cats, but at a family dinner I'll be dying because her dog (which is like the dog version of the cute, spoilt, bratty cousin you never liked) is sitting at my feet and my nose and eyes are running like mad, and she'll be completely offended if I try and move it away from me or, worse, ask to put it outside – usually where, you know, all the other dogs are.

Sorry Dog Lovers, but get a fucking grip. Dogs are Pets, and Yes, you can love them all you want, but I or Anyone Else shouldn't have to suffer because of that, either allergically or aggressively physically intrudingly, and You shouldn't fucking let that happen either. If someone is allergic, and you've invited them around to your house, then do that PERSON a favour and put your fucking dog outside or somewhere else for the duration of their visit. The dog will fucking live without your presence for an hour, and so will you, I ASSURE you.

Just to reiterate – I do not hate dogs. I hate stupid people behaviour creating stupid dog behaviour. The bar was set pretty high for me because my parents had two (now one) of the most intelligent, well behaved Border Collies in existence, and now that I know it's possible, I expect nothing less.

So get better with your dogs, stupid humans.

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