The Mad Scorpion

4.

BEST LETTER TO THE EDITOR OF THE WEEK… ish.

“New Zealand might contribute only 0.2% of the world’s carbon emissions,
but since it does this with only 0.064% of the world’s population
we can’t afford to be complacent about our small impact.
If everyone emitted as we do, the planet would rapidly choke.”

This particularly caught my eye because just the day before I had been having a conversation about New Zealand’s trash output, and my friend had commented on how even if NZ totally cleaned up it’s act, it would make fuck all difference.
While that still might be true, it’s also true that we do contribute significantly to the damage. For us.
So. There. Get greener.

THE SEASON 5 FINALE OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE:
Holy Fucking Shit!
I actually felt the wave of unanimous shock tremor across the country, measuring a solid ten on the devastation scale.
So I have a tale to tell:
At the party in Patea I recently attended, a friend of mine told me that a friend of hers had recently been on the set of Outrageous, and rumour had it, actress Robyn Malcolm had become so unbearable to work with they were planning to get rid of her altogether.
I said “Ridiculous! They can’t do the show without Cheryl, the show is about Cheryl!”
and she said “That’s what I said, but apparently they’re getting rid of her!”
And I said “Well I’d heard they were all having pay disputes and that’s why next season will be the last”,

and she said “That’s what I’d heard as well, and that’s what I said when I was told, but nooo, apparently they’re getting rid of her!”
Now, I must say I just didn’t really believe it, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought ‘Well, I suppose they could get rid of Cheryl and still make it all about the kids.’
And after last night… well, it doesn’t look good for Cheryl.
Either way, she’s going to jail, or she’s dead.

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TAITO PHILLIP FIELD GOING TO JAIL FOR FRAUD:
Haha.
Line ‘em up, boys.
You can’t tell me he’s the only Minister guilty of the things he’s done.

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BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER RE-RUNS ON VIBE EVERY NIGHT:
Dreamy.
Who needs the news at six when you can have girlfights.

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DAYS OF OUR LIVES:
Oh my god… SO far over the edge it’s hilarious.
Latest storylines include the nine or so characters who were murdered by the Serial Killer over the last two years being revealed as alive and well and on a mysterious island where a duplicate Salem has been built in the jungle. THE JUNGLE!
Days Of Our Lives does Lost. This show is MAD.

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THE CURRENT BOUT OF SPRING CRAZINESS HAPPENING AROUND THE COUNTRY:
You’d think things would brighten up a bit with daylight savings kicking in and destroying our body clocks. But alas, everything from the weather to the people seems to be playing up.
Case in point: This FREEZING weather we’ve been having lately.
Spring, you cock teasing bitch. Just cut that loser Winter loose and be done with him. He’s a cold-hearted snake.
Case in point: David Bourke going on a shooting spree in the rural outback. Tsk tsk.
Case in point: Missing toddler Aisling Symes. Every mother’s worst nightmare.
Case in point: The Father of raped and murdered girl Karla Cardno, Gary Duffin, on trial for having sex with, and employing as a prostitute at the brothel he ran with his partner back in 1991, a 14 year old girl. Ummmm, maybe it’s just me, but does this not STINK of creepy?? Not to be coarse, but aren’t you glad Karla’s not alive to see this.
Come on Summer. End this madness and just keep it to good ol’ drink driving accidents.

.

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A LETTER TO ROSEMARY MCLEOD,

DOMINION POST’S OPINIONATED BITCH:

Dear Rosemary,

Ten years ago now, I went to a café for a meeting with my writing mentor, and on the front page of the newspaper was a picture of my murdered friend Jeff Whittington, kid brother of my friends, also my upstairs neighbours.
It was completely shocking. I had just seen Jeff the day before, and let me tell you, Jeff was an
Amazing, Creative, Talented, Vibrant, Colourful (literally), Gutsy young man who had a very interesting life ahead of him.
This life was taken from him one night when a couple of skinheads decided to pretend to be his mates, take him for a ride, park up in a dark alley, and beat him dead.
Needless to say, I abandoned my meeting and fled home, where, needless to say, the shock and grief his family and friends were now in was colossal.
My friends had lost not only their best friend, but also their kid brother, and a mother and father had lost their son. One of the most gentle and passive people I ever had the pleasure to know was killed by a needless, senseless, violent, and brutal murder.
I’m not going to be stupid and assume you’ve never had anyone close to you die, Rosemary, but I reckon it’s a pretty safe bet that you’ve never had anyone taken from you in such a horrific and traumatising way.
During Jeff’s funeral, which inevitably turned into an alarming, invasive, and disrespectful media circus, I saw you there. Sitting in the back row of the funeral home, UNINVITED, with your pad and paper, scribbling away like nobody’s business. Like you were at a bad play.
And sure enough, the next day in the paper appeared something that can only be described as the most thoughtless and insensitive review of a fucking KID’S FUNERAL.
You were scathing in your disapproval of a family’s last goodbye.
You mocked their grieving process, and doubted their sense that this was a tragic event - that somehow the impact of his death had passed them by. You thought a coffin on which his friends and family could write messages on was… coarse in some way, offensive to tradition even.

That their nonsensical drivel of magic numbers and his spirit’s freedom to fly was inappropriate, irrelevant, missing the point, and just plain stupid.
In short, you spat out the vilest, most disrespectful and disgusting piece of writing I have ever had the displeasure to read. I can still smell the shit you shat a decade later.
I challenge you to google your name together with Jeff’s and ‘Wellington’, and then have a good read about what people think of you when it comes to this. Believe me, It’s Not just me.

I want to quote something I stumbled upon recently that You wrote:

“Good manners are the very least that anyone should expect, especially in times of deep suffering.”

Go Fuck yourself, Rosemary.
The disrespect and hurt you caused that family from one needless article was almost as bad as the loss of Jeff itself.
If you had only applied this gem-drop of wisdom ten years ago, I wouldn’t think you were a Fucking Awful Whorebag Cuntbitch Slutface Mutt from Hell, You Fucking Pillock.
How DARE you.
I can only hope that one day you suffer as greatly as Jeff did.
I hope that one day you suffer like his family did.
I hope pain rains down on you like flies to shit.
And when it does,
I want you to look around for the guy who’s chuckling and scribbling into his pad,
‘cause trust me,
I’m gonna be there to review it.

Yours very sincerely,
The Mad Scorpion.

P.S. Feel free to e-mail me.
I would just love to hear from you.
Kisses!