The Mad Scorpion

26.
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WELCOME TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED
MAD SCORPION:
I thought I might start throwing pictures into the mix.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
VERY Two Thousand Ten…
And can I just add… The fact THAT it’s Two-Thousand Ten is STILL weirding me out.
I might just be biased, but I do think being born in the seventies and growing up in the eighties is the coolest period to have come from. Although it’s probably a close tie with being born in the sixties and growing up in the seventies…
I mean… fuck the 90’s, and most of the 00’s too. What did they get?? Nirvana was the only great thing to come out of the 90's... The rest consisted of fluro and the Spice Girls...

YAWN...

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SHORTLAND STREET:

Now has two straight-out, cold blooded Murderers in its core cast. That ain’t right!
Wow, who knew it was THAT EASY to knock off people that Fucked you off, or get away with running someone down while you were speeding…
But I have to admit… I’m quite liking it these days. I really wish I didn’t watch it, but… Home And Away is just Not Doing It for me these days.
Roll on the days of ‘Dark Valley’. The world is Long overdue for a completely over-the-top, giddily addictive, breakneck speed Trash Show.
Ooooh Yeeeaah.
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FLASH FORWARD:

Dear Flash Forward,
What’s with having half the cast of 'Lost' in your show, huh???
You automatically put me off purely because I know I’ll get confused, what with BOTH SHOWS being about confusing timelines and sci-fi goodness…
What a STUPID idea.
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TVNZ:

What’s with playing ‘Flash Forward’ and ‘Lost’ back-to-back, HUH???
What a stupid, STUPID idea.
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MY NANA DORIS:
My Nana Doris was a character. Think of a less glamorous Dame Edna and you’re starting to get the idea.
With a head of flaming red hair and those… vulcan-eared, thick black rimmed glasses that Gary Larson always draws on the Mother characters, and loud, LOUD brightly coloured paisley or floral dresses, she was one of those quintessential Nana’s whose grandchildren are the centre of their universe. When I think of her, I am filled with the kind of love and… safety that only something like your Nana’s hugs could provide.
I was only 5 when she died. I don’t remember her voice anymore, or her idiosyncrasies, or flaws. But I’ll NEVER forget what she looked like. She was just Big. And Red. And Patterned.
And she made THE BEST Pav’s in town. Oh my god… those Pav’s…
You weren’t allowed ANYWHERE NEAR the kitchen when a Pav was in the oven, but she would ALWAYS make more than she needed to, just so she could make a few little mini Pav’s for me.
Yes, she was one of those Nana’s who feed up their grandchild on sugar before sending them home.
….Soooo much sugar…
She ALWAYS had lollies on hand, and the freezer was continuously loaded with ice cream and Fruju’s.
I remember the day she died… I was young, but I remember it. Clearly.
My mother came and picked me up from school, and I could tell something was wrong because she looked like she’d been crying. She took me to the park and we sat on a bench, and then she very quietly told me that Nana had had a heart attack. I suppose I didn’t really know what that meant, but I asked if she was ok. “No,” said Mum, crying. “She’s dead.”
And then I burst into tears, and we cried and cried together in the park.
I’ve been thinking of her a bit lately.
For all sorts of reasons, when I think of her I often wonder what Life might have been like for me, for my whole family, had she not died. It was obviously her time, but… I know for sure that a lot of the…not so pleasant forks in our roads would have been VEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRY different had Nana been around.
I’d like to think so anyway.
Those forks were obviously supposed to happen… cause they did. But I do sometimes think fondly of a time that never was.
I don’t know if it’s usual for people to wonder about the What If’s in ones life, but when I think of Nana, I do sometimes think What If…
She would have three more Grandchildren now, all girls. She would have loved that. Although she would have clashed with my cousin Kate, for sure, Haha. And my little sister Michael would still love her other Nana most (because she’s susceptible to her Father’s judgments about her Mother’s family).
But her and Amy would have been best friends. And me, of course. There’s no escaping the curse of Favouritist, Eldest And Only Grandson. It was a short lived curse, but one I liked being afflicted with.
Yeah, Nana would definitely have loved more Grandkids… It’s not fair at all that I’m the only one of the four of my generation that got to know her, even if only for a short time. I treasure those years that I got to have a Nana. The most perfect Nana in the entire universe…
Apparently she was a bit of a bitch, but hey… I was lucky enough to be her only grandkid, so of course she’ll always remain Perfect to me.
I miss ya Doris. You’re never forgotten.
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ALIEN QUADRILOGY ON C4 OVER THE NEXT MONTH OF SUNDAYS?:

HELL YES!!! SIGN ME UP!!!
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DEXTER:

Awesome. Loving it.
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NIP / TUCK:
Has REALLY been cooking lately. It’s fuckin’ Awesome. Like, ‘Dexter’ Awesome. Not quite ‘Buffy’ Awesome,

but definitely Awesome.
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HEATHER LOCKLEAR:

Has had waaaaaay too much plastic surgery. She should NOT have been watching ‘Nip / Tuck’.
Amanda Woodward and Michael Mancini do NOT a remake make (I mean they’re well in their fifties and their faces are just… tight. And Weird.) BUT… I am liking Melrose 2.0 suddenly. It seems to have kicked into gear a bit. I like breakneck speed. And Melrose was ALL about that. Bring it on.
But, as I suspected, the explanation of her return was… well, why don’t I just quote it.
For those who aren’t clued in, in the finale of Original Melrose, Amanda and Peter faked their deaths and ran away to the tropics to live on an island happily ever after.

WORST.

ENDING.

EVER.

Such a sad death for such a great show, but I digress.

SCENE: Michael Mancini comes home to his L.A. mansion to find Amanda Woodward waiting for him.
AMANDA: Well, haven’t you done well for yourself Doctor.
MICHAEL: Yeah, I’m a pretty amazing guy.
AMANDA: So, I hear Sydney got murdered, how bout that?
MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, real shock, sad… sad stuff, so anyway, when I saw you last you swore to never set foot in L.A. again, what’s the story? What happened to happy ever after in the tropics?
AMANDA: Oh yeah that. I got bored. I’m a city girl! And Peter? *shudders*
…
Good old Melrose. Quality writing as always.
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CHRIS ISAAK:

I’ve always loved his music (weirdly) but today on 63 I saw the music video for ‘Two Hearts’, and in it he was playing a concert wearing a Mirrored-Panels Suit, a la Disco Ball… only a Suit!!!
How could such a glorious thing exist and me not know about it until only Today?!?!?
I don’t know either, but
I
WANT
ONE.
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ANIKA MOA:
My friend Stephen “statused” on crackbook the other day –
“Does anyone else think Anika Moa’s new song ‘Running Through The Fire’ sounds like PJ Harvey, especially circa ‘Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea’?”
I had to agree, and had thought the very same thing when I heard it for the first time.
Not that I’m complaining. It’s an alright song. But… yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah. PJ’s sound was better. I hope the rest of Anika’s album isn’t a thin rip.
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DUNEDIN:

How are ya mate? I do miss you so. I don’t miss your winter, or your tap water, but I do miss you.
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JUSTIN BEIBER:
Ok. This is the one and only contribution I’m going to make to this… Frenzy.
EW.
YUCK.
MUSIC.
CRIME.
I’m already shaking my head in disgust about how cushy this boys life is gonna be ForEVER at only 16.
But I have to admit, I’m mildly surprised and impressed that he can actually play the guitar. Two reasons to hate him.
Here’s hoping he puts out something listenable and not for 12 year old girls in the rest of his career.
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WHAT WAS I SAYING ABOUT COMEDY CENTRAL?:

I just saw an Ad saying that ‘Married With Children’ is gonna be playing soon… OH YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Problem Solved.
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